American Idol: Final Judgement . . .

. . . or “Norman Gentle: Episode IV — A New Hope”

Hollywood’s final episode is a two-hour extravaganza in which the remaining wannabes will be carved down to that elite cadre known as the Top 36. This, Seacrest omininously informs us (well, as ominously as Seacrest can) will be season eight’s “final judgement.” Hey, isn’t that also the title of the new “Terminator” movie?

Anyhow, the selection process will take place at the Judges’ Mansion. Cool — I had no idea that Paula, Randy, Simon and Kara all lived together in a mansion! Wonder if they sleep in bunk beds like the Monkees? And does Simon get pissed off when Paula uses up all the hot water?

Anyhoo, we’re off. The first contestant to be brought before the judges (all sitting in what appear to be the world’s comfiest chairs) is Anoop Desai. They pull the whole grim-faced “The news isn’t good . . . it’s GREAT!” shtick. Which happens, um, 36 times tonight!

Next is Von Smith, whose sonic overload during his Hollywood week solo was so over the top as to be frightening. In his defense, he blames his mom and dad for forcing him to sing sucky songs in a sucky way. Hey, save that crap for “Dr. Phil,” awright? Yet, somehow he makes it through.

Meanwhile, the judges are on the fence about amateur horror-filmmaker Cody Sheldon and his new best bud Alex Wagner-Trugman, which can only mean one thing: a sing-off! Cody nervously bleats some lame song and is told to leave; Alex enters and bleats a different lame song, and is then asked to leave. They both re-enter, “difficult decision,” blah, blah, and Cody goes home while Alex goes through. Cody is crushed, and Alex is uncomfortable as hell, fiercely trying with all his might not to smile and yell “In your face!’ Instead, he stands around awkwardly with his arms crossed.

It’s Adam Lambert’s turn with the judges. Although he looks and dresses like an emo-punk, he’s all about the musical theatre, and his style is Broadway all the way. He too gets through.

As the show progresses, a whole bunch more people I whom I either don’t remember or didn’t see before make it through. Whatever.

Joanna Pacitti, this year’s ringer (she’s already been signed and dropped by a major label) had some problems with the lyrics, as in she couldn’t remember them, unless I’m wrong and the song she was singing was called “Da dada bada.” But the judges clearly want her there, despite her many mess-ups, and she gets to go through — but the judges make it clear they’re giving her another chance.

Now a bunch of people I barely remember get the boot. Whatever.

Next, a married couple who auditioned and got through? When did this happen? I guess while we spent a half-hour last week watching “Team Diva” act like crybaby morons. According to Seacrest, hubby didn’t survive the last cut, but his wife, Jen did. But she has to compete in a sing-off against Kristen McNamara. They’re both equally dull, if you ask me, but it’s a major conundrum for the judges, who finally select Kristen (over the dead body of Simon, who thinks that since they’re both equally mediocre, the prettier of the two — being Jen — should have made it). Meanwhile, Kara and Paula tell her they HATE what she’s wearing, and she better start dressing better. Simon and Randy don’t see the problem with wearing blue cowboy boots and a micro-short denim skirt. I wholeheartedly agree.

Visually impaired Scott McIntyre makes the cut, with Paula declaring “We want to SEE you again.” Oy vey. Thankfully, Seacrest doesn’t try to high-five him this time.

Lil Rounds gets through, no surprise there, followed by three people I don’t recall seeing before getting cut.

And it’s our next sing-off, between Frankie Jordan and some other woman I don’t remember. And . . . they both sucked. Wow, pressure really got to both of them. But since Frankie is a professional singer, who’s put out albums and stuff, she’s definitely getting through, right? Wha? No she didn’t — the first surprise of the evening.

Now it’s time for Danny and Jamar, who, if you haven’t been paying attention during the last 15 times Seacrest has mentioned it, are best friends. Thankfully, they don’t force them into a sing-off. But Jamar gets cut and Danny doesn’t, which is exactly what I figured would happen.

A few more people get through and now it’s time for Nick Mitchell, the Artist Formerly Known as Norman Gentle. He arrives in the judges chambers looking, oddly enough, normal, and actually seems nervous. And desperate. “I’ll do anything,” he says. “I’d clean Simon’s 20 cars. I’d be Paula Abdul’s butler. I’d even wear a bikini like Bikini Girl.”

He tells the judges, as a comic in all seriousness, he’d ideally like to be able to sing seriously but also maintain the Norman Gentle persona because he loves to make people laugh. The judges like what they hear, and he miraculously gets through. I think the folks at votefortheworst.com now have their winner.

Jackie Tohn, this year’s token rock chick, makes it, and is as excited as can be, whipping off her shoes and running barefoot down the hall.

And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Tatiana del Toro, she of the annoying laugh and even more annoying personality, faces her final judgement. Tatiana is interesting though, in that she’s actually a very good singer who just happens to be a total fruitbat. But she has one last secret weapon to unveil: she’s wearing a piece of Paula’s dimestore QVC jewelry, a star bracelet inscribed with “Reach for the Stars” or some crap. Paula notices right away, and Tatiana whines about how sad she was when she tried to buy the matching ring, but it was all sold out, and . . . Paula gets up, takes the ring off her manicured finger and slides it onto Tatiana’s digit. Before this saccharine moment can sink in, Simon rolls his eyes and makes a crack about how not everyone would have the cojones to shill their crappy QVC jewelry line on live television, and Paula looks PISSED, shooting him daggers like we haven’t seen in years. My favourite moment of the season so far! Oh, and Tatiana gets through, strangely enough.

Speaking of strangely enough, Nathaniel Marshall is forced into a sing-off with some dude we’ve never seen before. But before that happens, we get some more info on Nathaniel’s story (which he tearfully alluded to a few episodes back) about living with numerous relatives and his drug-addicted mom serving time in jail, etc. Gee, I couldn’t possibly imagine who’ll win this one. And, as expected, Nathaniel gets through.

A couple more make it through, yada yada yada. I wish they’d quit it with these two-hour episodes.

And now the final sing-off, between welder Matt Breitzke and oil-rig worker Michael Sarver. Like who didn’t see THAT one coming? Meanwhile, Seacrest informs us the results with SHOCK us.

Matt sings first. It’s fine. Sarver sings next. It’s better. And, in what passes for a dramatic twist, they BOTH make it.

Next week, the real grind begins now that the auditions are done, with the performance episode followed by the results show. The first group of 12 takes to the stage next week, including Jackie Tohn, Ann Marie Boskovich, Michael Sarver, Danny “Top 10” Gokey, Anoop Desai and the always-annoying Tatiana.