Hollywood Week Begins!

The auditions are over and it’s finally Hollywood Week. It’s a heady time for Idol contestants, when the elation of grabbing that golden ticket and screaming “I’m going to Hollywood!” has been replaced by abject terror and the ominous realization that, “Holy crap — I’m in Hollywood!”

The new innovation this season is “Idol Boot Camp,” when the wannabes get some advice and mentoring from the show’s stylists and vocal coach Debra Byrd. And, bizarrely, a pep talk from Barry Manilow. Because who could be more relevant to a group of 16- to 28-year-olds than the guy who sang “Mandy?”

But there are a lot of auditions to get through, with 147 finalists being reduced down to 36 by the end of next week (Hollywood Week will actually run for two weeks). In this episode we saw the first half of the 147, which is, um, lessee, divide by 2, and. . . you know what? It’s a LOT of singers, OK?

The kids are herded onstage in groups of eight, and the each gets a shot at the mike before the judges decide their fates.

First up is Lil Rounds, who broke Idol’s cardinal rule by singing a Whitney Houston song, in this case an eardrum-bursting, Ethel Merman-style shoutout of “I Will Always Love You.” Inexplicably, the judges love it. Maybe there’s a gas leak inside the Kodak Theatre? Or did Seacrest slip something into the judges' Coke cups? Either way, they obviously heard something I didn’t, with Paula and Kara going so far as to give Lil a standing O.

Dennis Brigham, he of the mediocre voice and impressive back-flip, is next. He looks like a lunatic when he sings, and this combined with his overall mediocrity, causes him not to make the cut. But he doesn’t like this, and he proceeds to grab a torch and start burning some bridges. “You all suck as judges,” he exclaims while storming off stage, then zeroes in on Simon. For somebody so rich, he yells, Simon wears “very cheap pants” and a "cheap, very lame shirt.” We see a clip of him later, packing up up his shoes while lamenting, “What kind of message are you sending America?” Um, the message that you’re a sucky singer? And a whiny little crybaby with no class? Yeah, let’s go with that.

And we come to the winner of this week’s Squirm-Inducing Meltdown Award, Nathaniel Johnson. From the weird mouth piercings to the strange headband thingy to the necktie over a tee-shirt over a half dozen other shirts, he’s an odd one. And after delivering an OK version of a lame song, Paula points out how mundane the song choice was, which induces a complete breakdown about how he’s had it tough and had nobody around him and how he feels “music on my skin, like it just bursts out of me every time I'm on stage and I don't know why." This Idol thing is burning him, BURNING HIM! and the tears are flowing, and the camera cuts to Simon making a pouty “Aw, poor wittle baby” face.

Then comes Rose Flack, the adorable hippie chick with the tragic past. She’s having a serious reality check now that she’s surrounded by all the other contestants. “I didn’t realize that I didn’t have that great a voice.” Which she proves in a very so-so audition.

Stephen Fowler absolutely nailed a Stevie Wonder song that Randy tells us the world’s most difficult song ever. But then tells Fowler that he “slayed a bear.” Hey, at least he didn’t call it “hot molten lava." There's a phrase I never want to hear again.

Next was Von Smith. Sorry, I mean VON SMITH!!! He seems to have a good voice, but holy cow, dude! Stop yelling at me! You’re like the singing equivalent of that ShamWow informercial guy. Overwrought, overcooked, overdone — that wasn’t a performance, it was the invasion of Normandy set to music. Von needs to learn that less is more. Simon is appalled, calling the performance “over-Indulgent nonsense. . . the sort of thing a child would do when they’re learning to sing at 10.” Harsh! Yet he makes the cut, admitting he’s “humbled” that he gets another chance and promising to work harder. Let’s just hope he’ll work harder at dialing it down a bit.

And now ladies and germs, it’s the return of Norman Gentle, the kind of wacky attention-whore that normally annoys me on this show, but for some reason is totally making me laugh. He sings a ridiculous version of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” and the crowd is eating it up. Something different about this guy — just when you think it’s all too silly, you realize he actually does have a pretty good voice. Although I don’t disagree with Simon’s assessment: ''Without the glasses and the silly headband, you're just a boring person. And when you put the stupid outfit on, you become a joke . . . It's just ridiculous.'' But there’s something about him that makes me chuckle. Randy calls him “a banoodles kind of guy.” Which may be the smartest thing Randy has ever said on this show. Shockingly, Norman gets through — now that’s banoodles.

And at the show’s halfway point, we see the Idols arriving to auditions in a fleet of cars . . hey, did they just sneak a Ford commercial into the show? Sneaky sneaky.

Rocker chick Jackie Tohn, who appears to be this season’s sole rock singer, sang “Rock Me Right.” She’s spunky and quirky and funny. I like her, but only because she’s different from the rest of the contestants. But it already seems like she may be Amanda Overmyer all over again, a one-trick pony who is very good at one style of music (in both cases, raspy blues-rock) and nothing else. And just a side-note: I don't care how spangly there are, there is nothing rock 'n' roll about wearing a fanny pack. The day I see Keith Richards sporting a fanny pack is the day I turn my Stones CDs into Christmas tree ornaments.

BFFs Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey auditioned together. Danny, if you recall, is recovering from the recent death of his wife with the help of best bud Jamar. Jamar sings “California Dreamin,” and it sounds good to me. The judges like it, Randy calling it contemporary.

Danny sings “Kiss From a Rose” and, wow! The guy has a seriously great voice. I’m horrible at making these kind of predictions, but I could see both of these guys in the top 10. We’ve never had best friends competing against each other before — could be a whole new element of drama.

And now it’s sideshow time, courtesy of Bikini Girl. She has a name, but do you really care what it is? Me neither. Anyhow, she sang Faith Hill’s “Breathe,” and by “sang” I mean “snorted the song out through her nose.” And what the hell is she wearing? Is that a Glad Hefty Bag? Like I said, stick with bikinis, we’ll all be happier. As for the singing, the pitch was a’ight, dawg, but she’s got a nasally tone that I find annoying. The girls hated her, the boys loved her, both agreeing the audition would have sounded better if there was music to back her. What? Clearly one of the least self-aware people ever to be on this show — and that’s saying something — here’s what she took from Kara’s earlier advice, which was essentially stop singing through your nose: “The first thing that went through my head,” says Bikini Girl, “was, ‘Wow, she’s insecure!.” But Kara gets the last word: “Bring your pole tomorrow,” she mutters. Heh!

And a few more got through, including the oil-patch roughneck and the Osmond spawn, but I can’t say either was particularly memorable.

When it was all said and done, 43 of the 147 got the boot. Hollywood Week continues tonight when the remaining wannabes get their respective shots.