American Idol 9: Cheaper By the Dozen – The Girls

This week we have five, count 'em, FIVE hours of Idol to sort through. As if I didn't have enough television to watch, of course all this has to happen during the Olympics. If you don't know, I like hockey just a little bit. These next few days are gonna be really tough.

The so-called theme of the whole run of Top 24 episodes will be "Songs From the Billboard Charts." That narrows it down to only a little more than about eleventeen-zillion songs to choose from. Why even bother calling it a theme anyway?

First egg out of the carton was Paige Miles with her rendition of Free's "All Right Now." When it wasn't flat, it was shouty. Not all right now, or even all right later. She tried to give us the Star Search note at the end. Absolutely horrible. For some reason, even though Simon didn't think it was great, he stated that she has the best voice of all the girls. He was too kind. Kara thought it was brilliant? She said she SLAYED the verses?!?!? Randy thought she had a powerful big voice? What?!? Ellen thought she was "there" and "present." Clearly, they were all watching a different broadcast. And what was so special about her outfit that she had to be sewn into it? I'm confused.

Ashley Rodriguez came next with her take on Leona Lewis' (who Kara considers "the Mariah Carey of our generation"... huh?) "Happy." I've gotta tell you, I was happy when it was over. Simon thought that she's just somebody who sings other people's songs – not very well. Yep.

Janell Wheeler decided to do away with the micro-mini skirt in favour of clingy leggings. This girl is a cheap fashion disaster. What's worse is that she figured she could take on Heart's "What About Love." With a whiny "aaaahhhiiiii've been lonely" start, and absolutely no substance, she quite instantly ruined my life-long admiration for the work of the Wilson sisters. I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of Idol singers who could pull off a Heart song (Carrie Underwood and Allison Iraheta... I've got three fingers left). Simon figured she gave it 100% effort and only delivered about 65%. He gave her 64% more than I would've.

Lilly Scott changed up the timbre of the show by trying her luck at The Beatles' "Fixing a Hole." Maybe I'm just tired, but I can't decide whether her shtick is really quirky cool, or just completely out of tune. It was unique, but at the same time it was kinda pitchy dawg. I'm gonna reserve judgment on this girl for now. I'll get back to ya.

Katelyn Epperly carried on The Beatles' theme with "Oh! Darling." What was with that Elvis sneer? She had a decent enough voice, but it was all really forced. Boring.

Now that American Idol have purchased the rights to The Beatles' catalogue, I guess they figure they should be taking full advantage of it. So, Haeley Vaughn decided to try on "I Wanna Hold Your Hand." Not only did she shriek the entire song, but she seems to have had a volume-slider installed her voice. It sorta rolled in and out. Annoying, to say the least. Simon thought it was verging on terrible (or as Charles Barkley would say, "TRBL"), and "that she was like a wind-up doll who never stopped smiling throughout the song. I'm only saying what you're thinking!" Again... yep!

Lacey Brown took Fleetwood Mac's incredible "Landslide" down by giving it a Gwen Stefani off-key nasal treatment. Lacey says she chose the song because it really speaks to her as a person... as opposed to as an elephant? As a piñata? As a parking meter?

Michelle Delamor actually gave a pretty good performance of Alicia Keys "Falling" (I know Simon is allergic to this song). However, it was essentially a photocopy of Alicia Keys in both voice and image. She's good, but she needs to figure out who she is.

Didi Benami handed in her best Megan Joy Corkrey imitation during Ingrid MIchaelson's "The Way I Am." I think this girl could be great but she has a tendency to bend her notes a little too much. That could become annoying in a big hurry. Hopefully, she won't pick up Megan Joy's bird-squawking dance thing too.

Siobhan Magnus completely flattened Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game." The key was too low to start off with, and then she just spent the rest of the song in falsetto. In my opinion, Chris Isaak is one of the only people in music today who can successfully pull off falsetto without sounding like somebody who can't sing. Siobhan, on the other hand, does it because she can't seem to actually hit the notes.

In what should've been the final performance of the night (using the adage, "save the best for last") Crystal Bowersox saved the episode by singing Alanis Morissette's "Hand in My Pocket" Finally! Somebody who totally knows who she is. She is the anti-diva of the show. In other words, she has a snowball's chance in Hell of winning this thing. She's great.

The closing number of the night came from Katie Stevens with her shot at "Feeling Good." They gave props to Michael Bublé for this song, as if it were solely his. Newsflash people, the song was written in 1965! Bublé may have covered it, but so have a score of other artists. Anyway, Katie can sing, but it was a dull performance. The song was too old for her... 45 years too old.

So now I am absolutely exhausted after sifting through performances from this year's lot of Top 12 girls. If this episode was any indication, I predict that this season will be a very long one indeed. In other words, things aren't looking too good. From my account, I was only fully impressed one time out of 12. Hopefully, the boys will be better Wednesday night 'cause if this crap keeps up, I'll have to file for early retirement.

CANUCKGIRL delivers the thrills and spills of America’s favourite singing competition direct to your monitor. CanuckGirl is NOT a professional journalist, nor does she play one on television.