American Idol 9: That Don't Impress Me Much

It's Elimination Day on Shania Twain Week, and what do we have here? A performance from the curiously popular Rascal Flatts. I'm not sure why these guys sell a gazillion records a year, 'cause I find them mediocre at best. They're not the worst band I've ever heard, it's just that I don't particularly care. Some people I know will gasp openly at the notion that I turned down an offer for free tickets to see their show when they were in town last fall. Apparently, I'm going to Hell.

So next, we get a behind-the-scenes look at the Ford vampire video. You know, when Kiefer Sutherland and Denis Leary tell me I should purchase a Ford, I seriously take notice and I find myself perusing Mustang websites (either one of those guys could make me buy almost anything in my sleep). However, when the Idol kids make crappy Twilight knock-offs in an effort to sell me a domestic gas-guzzler, I immediately come to my senses and thank my lucky stars that I take public transit (really!).

Then, we are left to spend 10 minutes on the pimping of the next Shrek movie. The contestants each received a chance to record their own funny cartoon monster voices. For certain Idols (Shreeky Siobhan, to be precise), it didn't seem like much of a stretch. Maybe this is her true calling? At any rate, any fun involved in the creation of cute and fuzzies was blotted out by the appearance of the perpetually cross-eyed Cameron Diaz. I can't stand that woman. I'd actually watch the Shrek movies if I didn't have to listen to her irritating voice. Luckily, she didn't sing for us.

Now we must face the whittling down of the contestants. Siobhan Magnus was sent to stage right, Aaron Kelly was sent to centre stage, and Michael Lynche was sent to stage left. Apparently (like, duh!), the six are being split into three groups. Next, Lee DeWyze stood with Siobhan, Casey James paired with Michael, and Crystal Bowersox was stuck in the middle with Aaron. Is this a case of one of each group being sent to the bottom three? Absolutely not. Siobhan was sent to stand with Michael and Casey. THIS, America, is your bottom three. Casey? Really? A simple question posed to our American friends: are you all on CRACK?

Next thing we know, the always stunning Carrie Underwood shows up to introduce her buddies, Sons of Sylvia. I had to look them up on Wiki. Not that I was decidedly impressed by them, but I was just wondering if one of those boys was Charlie Sexton. Turns out it's three brothers (none of whom are the supremely talented Charlie Sexton), and I'm guessing their mom's name is Sylvia. I'm all of a sudden reminded of that '70s song, "Sylvia's Mother" by Dr. Hook & The Medicine Show. That's the way my brain works. Just a bottomless vault of useless music trivia. If I could only get paid for that knowledge... someday.

Anywho, Lady Antebellum then took up some stage time with some song that I'm sure people go mental over. I didn't care. Fast forward. So, somebody please remind me what the theme was this week? I thought it was Shania Twain Week? How come we didn't get anything from Shania? Call me utterly disappointed.

So, back again to lull us to sleep, Rascal Flatts took the stage with Colombian beauty, Shakira. I want to like Shakira. I've seen her in interviews, and she always comes across sharp, witty, funny and down-to-earth. She seems like a cool lady. Unfortunately, she's another one of those nose singers. I just truly wish I could understand why that vocal style has taken over the airwaves. It's like the bubonic plague.

Now we must turn our attention to the bottom three, where Michael, NOT Casey, gets sent back to safety. People, you BETTER be sending Siobhan home!!! What is the matter with you all? Can't you all see and hear what Casey's got to offer? Don't make me come down there!!!! I'm getting my passport, and I'm heading to the airport...!!!

In the end, some higher power answered my prayers and sent Siobhan home. No more screechy high notes. The glass doors on my entertainment unit are safe to live another day. My dog can rest easy.

Next time around, we'll be treated to another very cool mentor and even cooler theme. Harry Connick Jr. will teach the kids how to swing with the Frank Sinatra songbook. NICE! All This and Heaven Too?!? See all you broads and cats next week. Ring-a-ding-ding!!!

CANUCKGIRL delivers the thrills and spills of America’s favourite singing competition direct to your monitor. CanuckGirl is NOT a professional journalist, nor does she play one on television.