American Idol 9: Group Round – Anger Rising

Considering this show is called American IDOL (singular), I've never been sold on the presumed merits of Group Round. Let's be serious, the contestants are not competing for a chance to sing in barbershop quartets. These are solo artists – supposedly. So why are they making these people team up with each other to stay up all night and bicker? I think it's because they want to prep them for those brutal song and dance medleys they have to perform throughout the season. Learn it now, and maybe this year they'll flood and freeze the stage for a Donny & Marie ice follies number. "That's why I'm leavin' it all, up to yooouuu..."

One thing that seemed new this time around, they named their groups. I don't remember them ever having to do that before, but lucky us, we became acquainted with such inane monickers as The Dreamers, The Mighty Rangers, Phoenix, Neapolitan, and Destiny's Wild. Oof!

Remember Michael Lynch? He's the one whose wife had gone into labour during Day 2 of Hollywood Week. His group, Team Awesome, finagled their way through the Temptations' Banned From Idol (TM) "Get Ready." Amidst the rubble, Michael made it to the next round, and his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl sporting a big mop 'o black hair. Sweet day for Big Mike.

Neapolitan then performed some crappy Lady Gaga song (like there's any other kind). Apparently, their rivals, Destiny's Wild, accused them of stealing their a cappella shtick. AS IF that's a new thing. Nobody, but NOBODY has ever sung without instruments before!!!! Like, wow! They really DID steal your thang!!!! That said, DW was definitely more energetic, but what's the deal with the Rihanna wannabe who can't see through her hair? I had a Maltese Poodle just like her when I was 11 years old. Anyway, they kept whining about how their idea was original, and that everybody else was trying to be like them and blah, blah, blah. Somebody needs to get over themselves.

The Mighty Rangers were all really bad, but half of them managed to make it through. That guy from Denver who said that everyone thinks he looks like Jack Black (he doesn't!) decided to cry for a second chance. I'm really tired of these people who show up unprepared, only to spill a few tears and beg for forgiveness. Buddy, there's a whole crapload of people standing behind you waiting for their FIRST chance. Time to move on.

One chick named Cat decided to walk out on her group, Phoenix, for fear of being humiliated. I thought that was a raging copout, until I saw the group murder the Kansas classic "Carry On." No wonder she bailed because NOBODY in her group knew any of the words. I realize all these people are essentially kids that weren't even thought of when Kansas was a chart topping band, but come on, this song's lyrics are not hard! Anyway, they all whined about not getting it together because of all their hardships. As if they had it tougher than any other group. Whatever. Simon accurately called "rubbish."

One group stammered their way through a Gwen Stefani tune, and the only word you could make out was "refrigerator." Another group tried the same song and created an even bigger bomb. Thankfully, we saw the end of that drama queen from the Denver audition who was Tatiana Del Toro's long lost twin. I was really afraid she'd make it to Top 12.

Mary Powers led the final group of the night, The Dreamers. Actually, we should call her Mary "Power Trip." She decided she was running the show and would not allow any input from the other four members of the team. I liked this girl when she auditioned by singing a Pat Benatar number, but she was instrumental in leading the ruin of Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams." It was absolutely horrific, but Mary and some other guy made the cut. I hope she tones down her superior attitude before she makes it to the Top 12, because I predict she'll definitely be there.

At the end of Group Round, 71 hopefuls made it through. Next week, they'll be dumping three solid hours of Idol on our laps in order to whittle that number down to 24. That's a "two-four" for us Canadians. See ya then.

CANUCK GIRL delivers the thrills and spills of America’s favourite singing competition direct to your monitor. Canuckgirl is NOT a professional journalist, nor does she play one on television.