American Idol Season 9: Atlanta -- Georgia on My Mind

It's audition episode #2, and we're heading to the ATL! Okay, well I'm not ACTUALLY going there 'cause I have to work in the morning. But as promised, I dialed up "The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion" on the earbuds today, and now I fully believe that I'm solidly prepared and abundantly qualified to review tonight's show. Seacrest tells us that Idol has visited Atlanta more than any other city in the United States (even though some guy hazarded a guess that Rio de Janeiro might've been the hot spot -- geography was obviously not his strongest subject in school). Another fun Idol fact about the Coca-Cola City? Fantasia, Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson all came out of the Hotlanta auditions. I guess the odds are pretty good we might see another contender out of this town yet.

Our guest judge of the night was none other than the Empress of Soul herself, Mary J. Blige. Okay, maybe you're like me and you had no idea she had a royal title. I know she's been around for a while, she's sold a gazillion records and has legions of fans claiming that she's a legend. But honestly, this girl here would be hard-pressed to name even one MJB song. Sorry, I remain blissfully ignorant on the merits and talents of this woman. I know some of you might be so inclined to draw some nasty complaints in my direction. I've gotta tell ya -- feel free! Maybe I'll learn something. All I can say is that the past 90 minutes of my life shared with "The Empress" has only taught me that she takes up valuable space in the empty chair between Kara and Simon. Sometimes I actually DO miss Paula!

To get the show on a roll, Dewone Robinson told us that his great uncle discovered Gladys Knight and the Pips. He says music is in his blood. One would think that because his family was "in the biz," he might be able to pull this one off. He even went so far as to sing his own original song entitled "Lady We're Not Together Anymore." Well, things didn't really go as planned. Let's just say that the song's refrain "it's over, it's over, it's over, it's over" really rang true. Next!

Keia Johnson of the retina-burning chartreuse pants won Miss Congeniality in a Miss America pageant. Simon wasn't all that impressed. He figures if you enter a beauty contest, it's kind of an insult if you're voted the nicest person instead of the most beautiful. I've always been dead-set against beauty pageants, but I think he really has a point. Anyway, she sang "My Heart Will Go On." Okay, STOP right there!!! This song has GOT to be banned, not only from Idol, but from every airwave on the planet! It needs to be renamed "My Song Will Go On... and on... and on..." Enough already. I thought she was awful, but they loved her? I'm totally confused. My husband thinks it's because the audition area was set up on the 27th floor. The air is thin up there. Their brains aren't functioning properly. I'll fly with that theory.

Jermaine Sellers showed us his take on Joan Osborne's "What if God Was One of Us." It started off nice and soulful, but then he ruined it with one of those self-indulgent runs that makes my stomach turn. Again, the judges loved it. I needed a couple of Tums. Seriously, I'd only vote him in if he promised to NEVER do another run. Runs are for treadmills.

Local television personality Christy Marie Agronow was bubbly, to put it mildly. Apparently, she hosts and produces a program called "411: The Show." But wait, you have to do it in her version of American Sign Language (which is unbelievably difficult to translate into Bloguage). Picture four fingers, then one finger twice, then a sort of flat-handed upwards scoop to illustrate "The Show." Yeah, I didn't get it either, I just found it annoying. But it didn't end there. No, she had to completely horrify us with her rendition of "Love is a Battlefield." Let me just say this, I adore Pat Benatar. She's a fiercely talented woman who truly does NOT deserve this type of torture. There should be a law against this kind of music-murder infraction. In the end, I guess the joke was on Christy Marie because she has to show up for work and publicly talk about her very failed attempt at pop stardom. Sometimes it's just not cool to be famous, even if it's only in your hometown.

An interesting surprise came in the shape of small town Tennessee girl, Vanessa Wolfe. I mean it, this girl was EXTREMELY small town, but boy could she sing some TRUE country! I'm not going to sit here and pretend to be any kind of Country & Western afficionado, but this girl couldn't have been more authentic. She was clearly taken aback by the positive comments from the judges. She even told Simon that she'd throw a back flip if she wasn't wearing a dress (the only dress she owns, by the way, she payed "four-fitty" for it at the dollar store). It was refreshing to see someone so completely without pretense. Hopefully Hollywood won't spoil her purity. Yes, she received the gold ticket. She's going to "fly on an aeroplane and eat peanuts! Woo-hoo!!!"

The next competitor had Simon posing the question, "Have you ever died before?" That may sound weird, but apparently, Jesse Hamilton almost died three times. The Idol creative team even provided us with three "Cheap Dramatizations" of his close calls with the Grim Reaper. Can't say I've seen that before! Anyway, this guy didn't even sing one note before Mary J. burst into a laughing fit, causing Kara to cover up by consoling her, making it seem like The Empress was "just really upset." Yeah, the guy was definitely not good, but I just have to say again, this "legend" was doing nothing but taking up space, people! She actually made Victoria Beckham look like a valuable asset to the franchise.

Dressed as a human guitar, Holly Harden had the voice and sense of humour reminiscent of Idol's own Kellie Pickler. She was adorable, funny, and a pretty decent country singer too. Mary J. didn't get it. I don't get Mary J. Luckily, the other three judges loved her. We'll be seeing her sans guitar outfit in Hollywood.

Another great country singer (what is it with country? wait... we're in Atlanta... never mind) Mallorie Haley showed off her version of Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart." Normally, I cringe when people try this number because nobody can really give it its due. However, Mallorie actually performed it beautifully with no hint of the "shoutiness" that usually plagues this tune. To top it off, this girl is gorgeous. One way or another, she's got a career ahead of her. On a whim, I Googled her name and it turns out she has a bunch of original songs posted on her MySpace page. She's good. Go check her out.

Antonio "Skii Bo Ski" Wheeler gave us American Idol's 435,673rd rendition of "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" (somebody, PLEASE, ban this song from Idol). Yeah, he could kinda sing, but it's weird because he figures he's the "full package... like a dollar store." Sorry, ya lost me on that one! Despite Simon's protests, they put him through to Hollywood. Seriously? This guy had his nickname misspelled on his shirt (probably got it at the dollar store... full package), and you're giving him a golden ticket? I'm positively mystified.

Simon thinks that scary Barbie dolls, BFFs Lauren Sanders and Carmen Turner should form their own group called "The Ditz Sisters." Oh yeah, they were that frightening. Turns out Carmen can sing a bit though (Lauren was a complete wash). They ended up giving Carmen a ticket and dumping Lauren, but Simon said "If it's any comfort, I would've said no to both of you." LOVE that! After all was said and done, it looked like Lauren wasn't all too supportive of her BFF, even though she said she was. I think the fact that she was standing with her back towards her was the dead giveaway. I wish I had a best friend like THAT! Pfffffhhht.

The night ended off with 62-year-old General Larry Platt performing his own personal ditty (replete with breakdancing -- this guy is sixty-freakin'-two, people!!!) "Pants on the Ground." Guaranteed, this is the new catch phrase. Post it on your Facebook. Tweet it on your Twitter. All the cool people are doing it!!! I love this guy. There's your American Idol right there! I'm leaving you with the lyrics, 'cause you know you can't get it out of your head:

Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool with you pants on the ground
Gold in your mouth
Hat turned sideways, pants hit the ground
Call yourself a cool cat looking like a fool
Walking downtown
With your pants on the ground...

Next episode, we're going to "one town that won't let you down" -- Chicago!