American Idol Season 9: Boston - Love That Dirty Water

Idol is back, and so is CanuckGirl! Here I am filling in for Brent one more time while he conducts TCA business in Los Angeles. At least that's where he says he is. Nobody really knows for sure because we can't actually remember the last time we saw him. Last I recall, in early December he was wandering around the office, muttering something about the dark continent and humming the tune to "Hakuna Matata" (and he wasn't even making Cup-a-Soup!). I don't know, it was a long time ago.

Anyway, American Idol's ninth season kicks off on the banks of the River Charles -- Boston, Massachusetts. I'd love to say I readied myself for this blog by listening to Aerosmith on my iPod on my way to work this morning, but that would be a lie. Truth is I just couldn't break myself away from Monster Magnet. Sorry, they're from New Jersey and totally irrelevant to this blog. At any rate, I arrive unprepared -- just like the majority of the contestants. Really, why should I be any different?

So of course by now you all know that Paula Abdul is history. Apologies if I'm the first person to break the news to you, but I'm here to offer up some Tiger Balm if your back is aching from living under that rock for the past half-year. Yes, the lovely and talented Ellen DeGeneres will be filling those shoes come February (although I think they'll probably be Chuck Taylors instead of Jimmy Choos). In the meantime, the Idol execs have invited a plethora of famous people to take that "Guest Judge" slot during the audition episodes. First up, Victoria Beckham, a.k.a. Posh Spice, stated "It's a dream come true. I'm pinching myself." Really? As if she hasn't lived enough of a charmed life already? Anyway, she appeared to have had her make-up applied with a trowel. My husband believes she could be the very first person to have ever mooned somebody with her forehead. It's quite blinding and thoroughly distracting, to be honest. And let's face it, do the contestants really need to be judged by somebody who's had her entire career engineered for her? I mean... oh... wait... no, you're right. Hmm, I guess maybe they do. Never mind.

Okay, so the first one up at bat in the shadow of the Green Monster would be Janet McNamara. She claimed she'd only been singing "well" for "like" two years. She bought and "mastered" the American Idol video game, and that (along with jumping up and down repeatedly and telling herself she's just AWESOME) was the extent of her intense preparation regime. This alone proves that it's time to break away from video game culture, kids! Not only was this girl completely without any sense of self-awareness, she was also void of any shred of talent. To boot, she kept confusing Kara for Paula, and when she was asked if she knew who the other judge was, she exclaimed, "That's Victoria Beckham -- David Beckham's wife." Oy!

In sharp contrast, 16-year-old Matty Curtis treated us to Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." Very nice! This girl was totally engaging and showed great maturity in her voice and demeanour. Kara said she was an old soul and that her performance felt "authentic." Simon said, "Unlike other 16-year-olds, she's not annoying!" Couldn't agree more. Four yeses = the first golden ticket.

Auditioning for the upcoming Sopranos remake (you know they'll have to do it sometime), Amadeo Diricco served up Muddy Waters' "Hoochie Coochie Man" (although my husband, who clearly thinks he's writing this thing, figures he should've done "Don't Stop Believin'"... Sopranos reference... you know). Actually this dude was pretty cool. He's going to Hollywood. Major excitement among the famiglia. Don't mess with these guys!

Ready to put his "touch" on things, Derek Hilton proclaimed "If I make it to Hollywood, I'll touch numerous amounts of people." Okay. Oh, and he thinks he sounds like Chris Brown and the Eagles. When Posh asked him if he's a big Chris Brown fan, he replied "I just like how he touches young kids all around this world, you know." Umm, what? Anyway, he blathered out a nasal rendition of Elton John's "Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word." It was no surprise that he didn't make it. His reasoning? "I did my best, I hit really LOUD notes." Then he said something about wanting to touch America. Creepy.

Anime and martial arts-obsessed freakazoid Mere Doyle REALLY wants to be popular in Japan. Apparently, she's had 14 years of vocal training, she's into the whole kicky martial arts thing, and she likes to design her own kimonos. Her career in the textiles industry might be her next path because her screaming rendition of Janis Joplin's "Piece of my Heart" left everybody's ears ringing. Simon said that her singing was "just verging on terrible." Fourteen years of training! Somebody's gotta tell these girls that SHOUTING does not make for good Janis Joplin!

Andrew Fenlon didn't like waiting, but he wanted us to know he's single. "You hear that, everybody? I'm TOTALLY single." Gee, good to know -- wacko! He somehow made it through "House of the Rising Sun" with a decent voice, although his phrasing was bizarre and forced. Anyway, after whining a bit more about having to wait, Kara decided to rail on him! THIS is the Kara I like! If she doesn't like you, she doesn't call you "Sweetie." She just tells it like it is. Good on her. So the guy had to leave the building, SOON, 'cause Kara was ready take a chunk out of him! Oh well, I liked his Go-Go's notebook though. Gotta get me one of those.

Tyler Grady from Nazareth, Pennsylvania, arrived showing off some old school '70s vibe. My husband's take: "Just because you're FROM Nazareth, doesn't mean you have to look like you were IN Nazareth." Note to the kids: Nazareth was a band in the '70s -- go ask your parents. Anyway, he was actually really cool. I like people who know who they are from the get go.

Mike Davis did a pretty decent number on The Beatles' "Yesterday," but that wasn't the most memorable thing about him. When Kara was gushing about how great he was, he decided to go for it and ask her out, "You wanna go out? You wanna get some steaks sometime?" Hey, you've got to like a guy who offers to buy you a steak dinner! In THIS economy?!?! Nice!

Another 16-year-old, Katie Stevens blew everyone away (in my house anyway) with her performance of Etta James' "At Last." Holy crap, this girl was AMAZING! The judges all liked her, and she got the golden ticket, but they didn't seem to dispense any of that mad love for her that they should've. Perhaps they needed to hear it from MY family room.

Cancer survivor Justin Williams solidly put himself in the running for this year's sympathy vote (Scott McIntyre won that hands down last year). He's definitely a decent crooner (even though he sees himself as an "alternative pop soul" artist -- what the hell is THAT?!?!?), except for the falsetto. Men, STOP the falsetto! We don't need another Adam Lambert! We don't need the Adam Lambert we've already got!!! Why any guy would want to blow off his register like that is beyond my understanding. Enough already. Just sing the notes.

The last guy I'll talk about tonight is Norberto Guerrero. He was the dude with the Bert eyebrows and MY hairstyle from 1989 (that took a gallon of Joico Ice Mist, don'tcha know). Simon gave up the quote of the night, "You sing like a three-year-old girl, dressed like LaToya Jackson, you've got a beard, the whole thing was just too weird." Yeah. Sometimes you've just gotta leave it to Simon (and it kinda rhymes too!).

At the end of two days, over 9000 contestants tried out and only 31 made it through to Hollywood. I'm no math wizard, but I'd call that the NEW Boston Massacre. Next stop: Atlanta, Georgia. I know I've got some Black Crowes on my iPod, so I promise I'll prepare this time. See ya tomorrow!

Quick Note: the running time for Wednesday night's episode has been extended to 90 minutes. If you watch it on Fox, it'll air from 8 to 9:30. CTV viewers will have to tune in a half-hour early at 7:30 (running until 9). Set your PVR now!