American Idol Season 9: Chicago -- My Kind of Town

In preparation for tonight's episode, I thought it might be appropriate to plug in to my favourite Chicago sons on the way home. No, I'm not talking about the band Chicago (I'm not THAT typical), and I wasn't about to ruin my day by listening to Cheap Trick or Smashing Pumpkins (root canals are more fun). I was thinking more along the lines of Styx. No, not the back-in-the-day Ethel Merman-esque histrionics of former vocalist and keyboardist, Dennis DeYoung (kill me now!). I mean the newer, improved version featuring Canada's own Strange Animal, Larry Gowan ('cause nothing says "Chicago" like some guy from Toronto!!!).

By that twisted logic standard, it seems only fitting that the Idol execs chose the always stunning and gracious Pride of Timmins, Shania Twain, to be the guest host in the Second City. I can't say I've ever been a fan of the whole country-pop genre, but I've always liked Shania. Not so much her music, but Shania herself. Which leads me to issue the following question to Mutt Lange, "Dude! What were you thinking?!"

Anyway, two days worth of auditions in the Windy City brought forth a crowd just a tad smaller than the congregation that showed up for President Obama's acceptance speech. Can we find our next American Idol in this town? Over 12,000 contestants said, "Yes we can!"

The first hard-luck story of the night came from Katelyn Epperly. For some reason, Mom thought it was important to bring up the fact that Katelyn's Dad had recently divorced her, a point that Katelyn copied to the judges upon entering the audition room. Okay, let's get those tear ducts in business! Her performance of Duffy's "Syrup & Honey" was sweet enough (sorry, it was so obviously THERE!). It was a decent start. Shania thinks that she "has a voice that could sing a hit song." We'll see what happens in Hollywood.

"Amy Lang, Amy Lang, Amy Lang: The Musical" says that Ryan was the first celebrity she's ever had an inappropriate dream about. I'm sorry, I really didn't need to know! But I have to admit to feeling excited for a very short instance when she said she was going to sing "Dr. Feelgood." I thought she meant Mötley Crüe, but no, it was Aretha Franklin. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing but respect for Aretha (again, sorry, I just had to take it!), but it's not too often a band like the Crüe gets their due on a show like this. So anyway, get this, her performance began with a faint! Yes, she literally fainted on the floor, causing the judges' eyes to pop out in genuine concern, then she just bolted up and started to sing. She was all Broadway, and she did this boob-lift thing that she's apparently very proud of. The judges named it "boob-boxing." Amy called it "boob-flex." Whatever it was, the judges were less than impressed by her "show" and decided to pass. She claimed she could have been more serious, and was a bit miffed when they wouldn't give her another chance. Hey "Amy Lang, Amy Lang, Amy Lang: The Musical," how about not wasting the judges' time?!

Sixteen-year-old Charity Vance always sings for the clients at her parents' salon. I just have to say that some folks really need to stop using their kids to entertain people, especially paying customers! Do you want to lose business? So she sang "Summertime" with absolutely NO substance. Big surprise. The judges were impressed, but I found her voice was too thin for that type of song. She should have done something more poppy. The last time I heard somebody hit that number out of the ballpark would've been when Fantasia wowed us with it back in Season 3. Tough to live up to THAT performance!

The judges were then welcomed with the return of a familiar face, Angela Martin. She was originally cut in Season 7, then she made it to the Top 50 in Season 8, but had to drop out due to pending charges on a traffic violation (a speeding ticket? they make you quit because of a speeding ticket?!?!?). This season will be her last chance. She sang a Mary J. Blige song I've never heard of, but was her voice ever strong! Despite her bad taste in music, I'm rooting for this girl. Shania's take: "You've got the right attitude and it shows in your voice." The judges all voted her through, except for Simon who said, "Nope... KIDDING!" Nice touch, Cowell.

The highest voice in the competition may have come from Curley Newburn. Just so you know, Curley's a guy! Simon wonders if a lot of animals show up at his door when he sings at home. He walked out before a vote was cast. Poor misunderstood Curley.

Alannah Halbert tried her best with a very high-pitched (but not as high as Curley) rendition of "I Will Always Love You." The judges tried to help her out by giving her a lower note to start from, but being tone-deaf didn't make matters any easier and she just went back to the nosebleed register. She said she didn't really know what the judges were talking about, but to her credit, she also admitted that she didn't really know what she was doing anyway.

Brian Krause was in the Army in Korea(?). And I thought he looked so young! Anyway, his rendition of Tiny Tim's "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" was convincing, to say the least. He swore on his mother's life that it was not a joke. The judges weren't buying it and sent him packing. After leaving the audition room, he stated, "I feel like slipping into a warm bubble bath and just relaxing my thoughts." You do that, soldier.

Self-proclaimed "Champion" Harold Davis was self-brainwashed into thinking that he would win the title. "I'm tired of eating microwave dinners. I wanna eat steak." Yeah, well, welcome to The Economy, Harry! He sang Usher's "Nice and Slow," or should I say, "Nice and Slow-oo-oh-oo-ohh-oo-ohhhh." His excuse for not pleasing the judges? "I've just got allergies." I guess that's why it sounded so nasal. In the end, he started to cry and sulked out of the room. Sad, very sad.

Shania's most blushing moment came when she complimented John Park on his lower register. Unfortunately, it just came out the wrong way when she said, "You have a very beautiful bottom end." Yeah, Simon and Randy weren't letting her get away with THAT one! He received his golden ticket, but If he doesn't win, he can take to his grave the fact that Shania LOVED him! Not too shabby!

Next up for this season's sympathy vote, severe asthmatic Paige Dechausse. She performed Sam Cooke's "Change is Gonna Come" with what I thought was a soulful edge. The girls loved it, but Simon thought it was a bit indulgent. Randy had to be convinced. Personally, I thought she was better than pretty much everyone else in this round.

After all was said and done, only 13 singers received golden tickets. Was it just me, or was Chicago truly lacking in excitement? Despite the fact that Shania Twain was easily the most likable guest judge so far, perhaps this might have been a good opportunity to invite Oprah Winfrey to the extra chair! Think about it, you sing for Oprah, she gives you a new car!!! The possibilities are endless!

Tomorrow, get out your mouse ears, we're going to Disney World!