American Idol Season 9: Dallas -- That's Right (You're Not From Texas)

So I've had a day to ponder, and I've decided there are very few nice things I can say about The Big D. Well, there's the show Dallas, that's epic. Then there's the Dixie Chicks. Besides being pretty darn talented, their coolness factor rose sky high after Natalie Maines delivered her well-publicized comment regarding Dubya (that's right, you rednecks, go ahead and deliver that hate mail to the Canadian girl, I dare ya!). Kelly Clarkson was discovered in Dallas, so that's pretty cool. What else? Let's see now, there's the Dallas Mavericks. Wait, no, they were only cool when Steve Nash played for them. Hmm, well... I've got nothin'. But heck, there's always the crappy stuff to talk about. 'Cause like somebody's mom used to say (although I don't think it was my mom), "If you can't say something nice, then go ahead and tell 'em what you think anyway" (or something along those lines). If you haven't figured it out already, I'm not a fan of this town. Maybe it's not so much the city itself, it's actually more about their obnoxious, cheating NHL team. Trust in this, you don't wanna get me started. Anyway, welcome to Dallas, Texas. They shoot presidents there, don't they?

I guess we should go ahead and discuss tonight's judges. Again, they've given us two, Neil Patrick Harris and Joe Jonas. I like Doogie. In my never-sought-after opinion, he was the only good thing about Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. He's definitely one funny and talented dude. And is it just me, or does he bear a striking yet lighter-haired resemblance to Dylan McKay? Don'tcha think? As for Joe Jonas, were the Idol casting people for real when they chose this guy? No, honestly, we're supposed to take him seriously? Come on, anybody with eyebrows like that, who isn't a Muppet named Bert, cannot be trusted. Ask Taylor Swift, she'll tell ya, AND she'll write a song about it.

Just before the first contestant stood on the grassy knoll, Neil claimed that his goal as a judge was to shatter the hearts of thousands. That goal was easy to fulfill thanks to Julie Kevelighan. First of all, let's talk about her look. She wore a blue sequined strapless number, showing off the most glaring white tanlines I've seen since Jully Black co-hosted the final season of Canadian Idol. Then there was the thickly applied frosty blue eyeshadow. Clearly, this girl does not own a mirror. Anyway, she strangled Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet," then she bludgeoned "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" before murdering Bonnie Raitt's "Something to Talk About." After her unanimous four-point rejection, she decided her problem was that she hadn't taken a deep breath before singing. Yeah, no, I don't think that was it.

Dock Worker, Lloyd "Big Sexy" Thomas was up next. I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something about this guy that made me think he was a hack. I've never been more wrong. He sang "Overjoyed" by Stevie Wonder and he was good, very good. One of the purest voices I've heard this season. Simon told him that he was his favourite audition of the day, to which Lloyd exclaimed "Get out of here Simon, you can leave right now!" This guy is a keeper.

Kimberly Carver showed up with her own original composition. It was jazzy and cool. Everyone liked her except for Simon. He didn't see anything current or interesting about her. He said he didn't like the jazz vibe because "this isn't Jazz TV." You never know though, that could be Simon's next venture if X-Factor doesn't pan out. You heard it here first, Simon Cowell presents Jazz TV! Check your local listings.

As a former cast member of Barney & Friends (I mean the purple dinosaur, not Barney from How I Met Your Mother), Erica Rhodes shocked the panel by entering the room wearing leather fetish gear and brandishing a whip. They asked her to sing the Barney song (you know, "I love you, you love me..."), so she did, and it was surprisingly good! Then she went and ruined the quirkiness by performing "Free Your MInd" by En Vogue. Ahh well, I liked the Barney song better. Anyway, she made an impression, which was not tough to do in that outfit! She's now known as the Barney Dominatrix. Proof positive that this creepy purple creature is not someone you want to let your kids near.

Dave Pittman suffers from Tourette's Syndrome, but it doesn't affect him at all when he sings. He kicked out Sam Cooke's "Bring it on Home to Me" without a trace of symptom until he finished singing. Neil had the courage to address the elephant in the room immediately. He considered Dave to be "crazy brave" and gave him a rave review. The dude picked up four yeses and a golden ticket. Nicely done.

Day 2 dawned on Dallas, and unfortunately we had to trade in Neil for Joe Jonas. I thought Doogie did an exceptional job at the judges' table. Can't say the same about the JoBro. Whenever somebody performed well, this kid was only able to muster up a "yeah!" If a contestant bombed, he just offered up a blank stare. This is the youth of America, folks. Get used to it.

Todrick Hall, who appeared in The Color Purple with Fantasia, sang an original song about his experience in the Idol audition process. It was very clever, but Simon tagged it as a little too cutesy for him. Cutesy or not, he wrapped his hands around a golden ticket and a big string of buzz on the internet. By the way, Joe said "yeah!"

Maegan Wright showed up with her biggest supporter, little brother Dawson. This kid was a bundle of personality and I don't care if he's not 16 yet, he should audition. Anyway, Maegan sang beautifully. Kara thought she was going to be a joke because of her outfit (white shorts, sandals and a blue tanktop emblazoned with the words "Break the Rules"). I'm not sure why Kara thought the ensemble was joke-worthy, but it didn't matter. Simon had no problem with her outfit. Joe said "yeah!"

The very pink Vanessa Johnston tried her hand at the very risky "At Last" by Etta James. She did NOT pull it off. Granted, she might have had a decent voice if she hadn't tried to act out the song. Kara thought that she was pulling a Britney Spears vibe. Randy thought she was trying to chase the song across the room. Simon said that if anyone were to ever ask him what his nightmares look and sound like, he would refer to her! Vanessa was a sweetheart and had a great attitude about the whole thing. She was even excited when all four of them said no. Oh, if you're keeping track, Joe didn't say "yeah!" that time.

Final contestant, 16-year-old leukemia survivor, Christian Spear, performed another Etta James number, "All I Can Do Is Cry." It was a bit dramatic, but fearless nonetheless. All the judges gave her a resounding YES! Joe must've liked her, because he said "definitely yes." Wow, two words! Eyebrow Boy is quite the conversationalist.

At the end of two days and 11,000 contestants, a huge 31 made it through. Maybe the next Kelly Clarkson is once again hiding in Dallas. Only time will tell.

Next week, we'll get Rocky Mountain high up in Denver. However, you won't read my blog until Wednesday night because I have a life and I'm busy Tuesday (front row seats for Alice in Chains, you're DEAD JEALOUS!). See ya Wednesday!

CANUCK GIRL delivers the thrills and spills of America’s favourite singing competition direct to your monitor. Canuckgirl is NOT a professional journalist, nor does she play one on television.