American Idol Season 9: Los Angeles -- California's All Right, Somebody Check My Brain

In prep for tonight's episode, I did not listen to any Los Angelinos on my iPod (unless you count the fact that 75% of Seattle's Alice in Chains are currently living in the City of Angels). I figure I contacted enough of the SoCal culture by going to see the self-proclaimed Saints of Los Angeles, Mötley Crüe, on Sunday. Two days, 17 Advils and one Mango Hurricane squishee later (Booster Juice rocks my world and I'm available for sponsorship deals), I'm feeling much better tonight. Thanks for asking.

The El Lay auditions have provided us with not one, but two guest judges, Avril Lavigne and Katy Perry. Now, you'd think that being a Canadian, I would've opted to post a photo of Avril over Katy. Anybody who knows me will tell you that Sk8er Grrl is one of those people who makes me embarrassed of my chosen nationality. Whenever I travel south of the border, I quite often find myself apologizing for her (AND Nelly Furtado, AND Celine Dion, AND Brett Hull, but luckily, he renounced his Canadian citizenship years ago so he could play on any Olympic team that would have him). Really, us Canucks aren't all THAT obnoxious! We're shy, like octopuses... just ask Craig Ferguson.

Katy Perry, on the other hand, is marginally less annoying. I'm not exactly a fan of hers, but she's cute and she's stylish in that girly-retro-chic kind of way. I'll give her the photo spot, even if she did lose points after proclaiming her support for Adam Flambert last season by having his name embroidered on her cape. So much for stylish.

Oh, and before I proceed, I should mention that Brent passed me a faxed press release pointing out what these two judges have in common. Believe it or not, you're looking at the two newest spokespersons for ProActiv Solution. Yes, apparently these two girls had ACNE! Oh my word! Imagine that. Personally, I find it a bigger deal that the PR arrived by fax. How totally 1986 is THAT?!

First up on the mat for Day 1, claiming an IQ of 168, the über-delusional Neil Goldstein. He claimed to be all about love and music and "exulting to human nature" or something like that. I don't know, it was confusing to me too. He performed Meat Loaf's "Rock 'N' Roll Dreams Come Through" (even though he called it "Rock 'N' Roll Dreams Come TRUE"). It doesn't look like it's gonna happen though because the first line he sang "Remember everything that I told you" became painfully ironic when he instantly forgot the rest of the song. He decided he was NOT leaving, that is, until Simon gave him the option of an escorted exit. Neil's final words? "American Idol lost out, and in the grand scheme of things, are going to be the bigger losers." Sorry buddy, "The Biggest Loser" is on NBC, and his name is Jay Leno.

Jim Ranger, Worship Pastor, sang his own composition "Drive" exceptionally well. This guy has some seriously honest talent, but Avril tried to dissuade him by telling him that pastors with three children shouldn't seek pop stardom because they would have to travel too much. Since when is it Avril's job to decide which path a pastor should take? Everyone else liked him, but she gave him the condescending "Sorry, no." And you wonder why I hate this girl?

Martial Artist / Pacifist / Sandwich Maker, Damian Lefavor cracked when singing that Righteous Brothers song, "You know, oh, I forget the title... no the other one... yeah... 'You've Lost That Loving Feeling'.... yeah!" You know it's gonna be a wash when the guy forgets the title of the song he's singing, especially when that title is so prominent in the lyrics. At any rate, he admitted to choking badly, even though the whole act seemed completely put on.

A beautiful surprise came in the form of Mary Powers. Yes, she had that "contrived rocker chick" look DOWN. But boy could she sing Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield." I mean it, she NAILED it! That is no simple feat, children. And speaking of children, her eight-year-old daughter had wanted to meet Simon for her ENTIRE life, and she got her wish. Heartwarming. Oh, by the way, Avril thought Mary was "totally punk rock," proving that Ms. Lavigne has never known punk rock from a hole in the ground. My theories about this girl's manufactured career just keep getting more and more solid as the night passes on.

Adam Lambert wannabe, A.J. Mendoza (again, do we NEED another Adam Lambert?) shopped his demo to the Flamorous One himself, and apparently he loved it. He sang Living Colour's "Cult of Personality" or should I say "Personiaaaaleeeetyyyyy, yeah." Wow! I used to like Living Colour. Simon said, "It sounded like you'd gone to the dentist about 10 minutes ago with a ton of anesthetic." It really did. That was the sharp end to Day 1. Good riddance.

On Day 2, Simon and Randy arrived by helicopter, which Katy Perry thought was ridiculous. First words from Katy, and already she's so much cooler than Avril.

The first contestant of the day was Austin Fullmer with his belief that "there's never been anybody on Idol who's been sexually like me." Huh? What does that mean? His performance of Cheap Trick's "Surrender" came off like a cheap Mick Jagger imitation. He honestly thought Katy and Kara were into him. He told the camera that the girls were thinking, "This is sex... this is a real man." Somehow, I think that thought was the furthest from their minds.

Next up was a quick run-through of a bunch of contestants that didn't take rejection too well. For a split second, they showed a young, blonde girl sobbing profusely. For some reason, I thought I recognized her, It turned out that she was that Sanjaya fan who was crying in the audience from Season 6! Apparently she auditioned, but they didn't show her! What? You can't do that to us! We want to see how bad she was!!!! I demand a re-show!

Creepy Jason Greene showed his stuff by performing "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls. It was thoroughly disturbing, and it made Katy feel dirty, even though he actually kept flirting with Simon. Katy remarked, "It takes a lot for me to feel dirty." Jason replied, "I'm sure it does, especially with that top." To be fair, Katy was offering a bit of a show, but she did look great. Anyway, He gave Ryan his phone number. Ryan passed it to a big burly bouncer. That could get interesting.

Last up in LaLa Land was Chris Golightly. He sang "Stand By Me," which, for the record, I have banned from Idol. His voice was decent enough, but unoriginal. As for his look, Justin Guarini called, and he wants his lid back. Kara was all about this guy, and she totally went for the hard luck orphan story. Katy slammed that notion by saying, "This is not a Lifetime movie, sweetheart. Everybody has amazing stories, but you've got to have talent." This Katy Perry is really growing on me! She might make a fan out of me yet. As for Simon, he wasn't really getting it either. He thought Chris could sing, but he was not jumping out of his chair. I love it when Simon's right.

So that's it for Los Angeles. Tomorrow, the show heads to Dallas (note that due to President Obama's State of the Union address, Idol's start time has been changed to 8:00 p.m.), which means I have to think of something nice to say about that city. I'll get back to you on that.