American Idol Season 9: Orlando -- Well, I'm going down to Florida, get some sand in my shoes

What's a girl to do in anticipation of tonight's episode in Orlando? I had Death and Trivium ripped onto my original iPod, and the Backstreet Boys and *NSYNC would've never made it on there in the first place. I don't even own any Tony Orlando & Dawn, and I just never got around to loading "Pirates of the Caribbean" or "Lord of the Rings" on the current iPod (Orlando Bloom?). So I decided to listen to Lynam, who you've probably never heard of, and are actually from Birmingham, Alabama. See, there's a method to my madness. The first time I saw Lynam live, Jacob (the lead singer) made jokes about being from "Orlando -- The Boy Band Capital of the World." Ya kinda had to be there. So anyway, close enough. Besides, I really like them. Sometimes, it's just for me.

Over 10,000 contestants lined up in the O-Town sunshine to make their dreams come true. I've just got to tell you this much -- I was in Florida this past November and it was 90 degrees Fahrenheit! Somebody please remind me why I moved from Miami to Vancouver!?

Speaking of which, the three boys arrived rather late for the first day of auditions because they'd partied it up the night before in Miami. There's a reason why David Caruso dons the shades in every single scene of "CSI: Sunglasses," and it's not because of the golden orb in the sky. Me thinks the Miami club scene is the problem.

Guest judging the first audition date in the Sunshine State (unfortunately, she wasn't available for Day 2) was the always adorable, Emmy and Tony winning actress/singer, Kristin Chenoweth. She made a pact with Kara to keep the "Girl Power" going strong, which really annoyed the crap out of Simon. For some reason though, he claimed he just had a bit of a headache (the nightclubs, don'tcha know). He wasn't going to admit to letting a couple of girls get the best of him! Not this guy!

The first wackjob... I mean... contestant on the floor was the abundantly bedazzled Theo Glinton. This guy had mirrors and feathers glued to his face! I'm not sure if it was a ploy to distract the judges away from the fact that he couldn't sing, but it didn't work. He literally shouted out Pat Benatar's "Heartbreaker." What have I told you people about Pat Benatar? Don't mess with this woman's songs!!! You're makin' me really angry! The best compliment Kara could come up with was the fact that he "released a lot of stuff" on that song. Yeah, I guess. Anyway, after his unanimous rejection, he lost his way out of the room. That's never a good thing. But Ryan did help him remove all the shiny junk from his face. He's always there for ya, future Idols.

In the running for this season's sympathy vote (there's always at least one in every episode) was Seth Rollins, father of two children, one of which is autistic. He wanted to win this thing so that he could afford stuff for his kids. Nothing wrong with that, but could he pull it off? He performed a nice take on "Someone to Watch Over Me." He had a good voice, but nothing earth-shattering by any means. Randy offered him some decent advice; he wants him to exert (or was it exude?) more energy and more vibe. He'll have that opportunity to exert, exude, or just energize, 'cause he's going to Hollywood.

Jermaine Purifoy auditioned in Season 7, but didn't make it through. He had the right attitude about it though because he said he didn't really deserve it anyway. This time, he was serious, so he sang Charlie Chaplin's "Smile." To me, this one falls into the category of "yeah, he can sing, but so what?" Nice, but nothing special. Randy said it was the best voice he'd heard on this audition season. They loved him, he received his golden ticket. I guess this time, he deserved it.

The final contestant of Day 1 was Shelby Dressel. She performed "Turn Me On" by Norah Jones. In my estimation, even though she screwed it up, she sang it WAY better than Norah. Well, let's face it, that's not really all that hard to do considering Ms. Jones is easily the greatest cure for insomnia out there. Who needs sleeping pills? I just throw "Don't Know Why" on the CD player, and I'm sleeping like a baby in less than 30 seconds FLAT. Anyway, I liked Shelby. I'm looking forward to hearing her sing some real songs.

Day 2 started with only three judges and beat-boxer Jay Stone. His take on The Beatles' "Come Together" was surprisingly quite cool, if you're into that sort of thing. Is it singing? Simon didn't think so, and I'd be inclined to agree. But WAIT! It turned out that he could actually sing! It was too little too late for Simon, Kara LOVED him, and Randy had his arm twisted enough to let the guy through. Maybe this dude is the next Blake Lewis? We shall see.

Cornelius Edwards learned all his dance moves by friends who are "adult entertainers." I'm not sure I need to find out who taught him to sing. Anyway, he said he was doing "Rollin'" by Tina Turner. Cornelius, write this down: the song is called "Proud Mary" and I banned it from Idol three seasons ago. His singing was okay enough. But this guy was memorable because he tore his pants wide open when he landed on the floor doing the splits, giving a whole new meaning to "Pants on the Ground." Nice work!

Adding to my theory that you should never audition in pairs were Bernadette and Amanda Desimone. These two New Jersey sisters were beyond annoying. As is always the case, one of them (Bernadette) can sorta sing. The other (Amanda) tried her hand at a Whitney Houston number, which is always a bad thing. Maybe she could sing, but I'm not entirely sure because I have an automatic sensor in my brain that successfully blocks out any songs by any member of the Unholy Trinity. I should market this thing. Unfortunately, both sisters are going to Hollywood, so watch out for the big hair duo.

Jarrod Norell showed up kinda looking like Chris The Leather Boy from "The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" (except without the fetish gear). He decided to "give it up for God" by performing "Amazing Grace." It was horribly nasal enough for Kara to state, "I'm not trying to be rude, but do you really think you're a great singer? You sound like a lawnmower!" To make matters worse, he would NOT leave the room. It got so bad that he had to be escorted out of the building by security and then handcuffed by police! After the very dramatic removal, Simon blankly asked the other judges, "Yes or no?" Ha!

The final contestant of the night was Matthew Lawrence. He spent four years in jail after robbing a bank with a BB gun when he was 15. It seemed fitting for him to sing "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne. This guy was good, REALLY good. Simon said it was brilliant, believable and authentic. I couldn't agree more. He delivered it with incredible control. He was absolutely genuine. Wouldn't it be cool if he could change his life because of this? Watch for this guy.

When all was said and done, 31 hopefuls received golden tickets. So far, that's the biggest take from any city in the audition circuit. Maybe Orlando truly is "the place where dreams come true."

Next week, Los Angeles. We're going to California with an aching in our hearts.