DAVID COOKS, CHIKEZIE'S CHEESY & KRISTI LEE WRAPS HERSELF IN THE FLAG

I obviously wasn't paying attention when they announced the theme of last night's Idol, which apparently was that each singer got to pick a song from the year of his/her birth. For the first three or four songs, I just assumed it was "Crappy Ballad Night."

Oh look, there's Brad Garrett and the co-stars of his lousy sitcom (which just happens to be returning right after tonight's Idol) sitting in the front row. Jeez, is he going to be doing this all season, like he did last year? I get the cross promotion for other Fox shows, but stick a fork in it already. Mercifully Seacrest doesn't go chat with him.Did not appear on camera later in the show, so I assume they popped in, got their camera time, and got the hell out of there before the first commercial.

Ramiele was up first. Sucked. Can't remember what she sang, but I do remember thinking that if she painted herself blue, she'd look exactly like a Smurf, actual size and everything. Randy and Paula went out of their way to let us know she was sick, and lost her voice. Simon was uncharacteristically kind, noting that although she clearly sucked, she sucked less than last week, and since that didn't get her voted off, therefore she'll be safe. You gotta love the way the guy thinks.

Next up, Jason Castro, chirping his way through one of Sting's post-Police MOR radio-friendly bland hits. Not bad, just dull. Simon said he reminded him of a street-corner busker. Randy said it was one of his favourite songs. Hmm, used to play in Journey, loves this song — the odds against me ever buying Randy's new CD just shot form a billion to one to 80 zillion trillion to one.

Syesha next, doing a Gladys Knight number. Sang it well (Randy called it "blazing hot") but honestly, if I heard that on the radio, I'd switch over to something else. But that's me, a musical taste thing. There's no denying the girl can sing; I just wish she'd try some tunes that took her outside her gospel-ish comfort zone.

Chikezie channels Luther Vandross by way of Bill Murray's SNL lounge singer. A performance even Wayne Newton would have found to be pandering. Vocally it was OK, nothing to write home about, but his crowd-pleasing shtick is becoming tiresome, and Simon nailed it when he called the performance "cheesy." On the plus side, at least he didn't torture a harmonica this week.

As if Sting wasn't stung enough by Castro's snoozy performance, along comes Brooke White with an equally sleepy version of Every Breath You Take. Accompanied only by her piano, it's fine, if a little generic, certainly nothing we haven't already seen her do before. As Randy pointed out, when the band kicks in, you kind of expect her to take off and soar for the chorus, but she just coasts through it. I closed my eyes and swore I heard Carly Simon. Not necessarily in a good way. Nice, but far from memorable.

Leave it to Michael Johns to wake me from my Idol-imposed stupor with a rousing version of We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions. Very good. Added nothing to the original, but did demonstrate he's got rock-star charisma and one helluva voice. Indeed, he unleashed some power from those lungs that I never knew was there. I agree with the judges that it's his best performance so far. Although I worry that the only time he seems to really nail a song is when it's a song by Queen.

Carly Smithson shouts her way through Total Eclipse of the Heart. Not that there's anything wrong with that; Roger Daltrey carved a career out of yelling, but she's clearly not having a good time with this song. She seems pained singing it, I feel pained hearing it, a lose-lose proposition if ever there was one. The judges try to shine up her turd of a performance by pussyfooting around the fact that she was clearly not good. "Wrong song choice," "tense," etc. Just because the judges think she should stay, doesn't mean America will agree.

Next, the Chosen One, lil' David Archuletta. If Ramiele is a Smurf, Archuletta is a hobbit, since he seems a head shorter than wee Seacrest (who I've seen in person, and he's a tiny little man). Anyhow, the Chosen One did a horrific "theme park" (Simon's description) performance of some crappy song that made my ears hurt. I was glad when it ended.

Kristi Lee Cook, who's been living on borrowed time since her Hee-Haw-inflected abortion of the Beatles' Eight Days a Week, delivers a competent, adequate performance of what Simon describes as "the most clever song choice I've heard in years" - the uber-patriotic "God Bless the USA." Because you can never go wrong with mindless patriotic pandering and singing about loving freedom and supporting troops. Nobody, not even Simon, can criticize her now. If Simon — a Brit, for God's sake — dared criticize this sweet American girl singing a stirring freedom-loving anthem, they'd burn him in effigy on Fox News. And Simon knows it, so he keeps his opinions to himself for once. Kristi? She's got that good 'ol boy vote locked up now. The only question is which song she should tackle next week, "America the Beautiful" or cut right to the chase and unleash "The Star Spangled Banner." I'm cynical enough to believe this will keep her in the competition for at least another week or two, because a vote for Kristy Lee is a vote for America! Look at the rest of the competitors: a Filipino, an Aussie, and Irish girl, a few African Americans, a hippie. Sure, go ahead and vote against Kristi Lee — if you want the terrorists to win. Wrapping herself in the flag may spare her for a few weeks, but eventually she'll have to veer away from patriotism and rely on talent alone.

David Cook closes the show. In my estimation, he's becoming the most interesting competitor. I started off fairly ambivalent toward him, but each week he surprises me, and really is getting better - certainly more confident. He does not disappoint, unleashing a "blazing, molten-hot" (sez Randy) slowed-down moody version of Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean." As Simon says, "it could have been either insane or amazing, and I have to tell you it was amazing." And it was, it was truly one of the best, if not the best, performance we've seen this season. The crowd went absolutely nuts, completely batshit wild. If the final vote were tonight, he'd win by a landslide. But there are still months to go, and plenty of opportunities for him to stumble. But if he can keep it up, keep this momentum going and keep delivering this level of creativity, I think we've got our winner.

Although Ramiele's was easily last night's crappiest performance, I think Simon's right, and she'll be safe. So the bottom three, I predict, will be Carly, Chik-cheesy and perhaps Kristi Lee, but only if there's an outpouring of commie pinko America-hating traitors who despise freedom enough to vote against her.

My best guess? So long, Carly.