Judging The Judge: Ellen’s A Dud On “Idol”

If you’ve been drinking the Fox Kool-Aid, you believe that viewers loooove Ellen DeGeneres as an “American Idol” judge, and ratings have been through the roof thanks to her. Well, I hate Kool-Aid. And if you ask me, Ellen’s performance so far has been dismal, dreary, dull and disappointing.

My apologies for the excessive alliteration, but Ellen is going to kill this show. Period.

Buckle up, kids, I feel a screed coming on.

Where to begin? Well, let’s start at the superficial. To wit: Ellen looks awful. While I wouldn’t go as far as Howard Stern, who described her as looking “like one of those Keebler elves,” she looks bad. Botched plastic surgery, perhaps? But I know what the problem is: I watched a few minutes of her show this morning (something I rarely do), and thought something was wrong with my HD — the picture was kind of fuzzy and out-of-focus, like one of those Barbara Walters specials. Then it hit me: on her show, she controls the lighting, the soft-focus camera filters, etc., and she looks pretty good. On “Idol,” the lighting is harsher, less forgiving, and it ain’t doing her any favours. Meanwhile, I can honestly say I have never, ever noticed Ellen’s ears — until this week’s “Idol” episodes, when they flopped out like Dumbo’s. Must be the Ryan Seacrest haircut she’s currently rocking.

That’s out of my system, on to her “judging.” Frankly, it’s pathetic. I’m guessing when the producers gave her the gig, they naturally assumed she’d bring the same funny, relaxed persona to the judging table that she brings to her show. But she’s not. She seems nervous. Anxious. And in five hours of shows this week, I don’t recall her saying a single thing that was funny.

I also don’t recall her saying a single thing of any substance. Of course, it didn’t help that, of the 24 who sang this week, maybe a handful could be described as “not painfully awful.” Still, look at some of the less-than-insightful comments she offered contestants:
“Great stage presence.”
“I liked it, and I like you.”
“I really like you a lot; I like the song, I think it was a good choice for you.”
“It felt like it was just a little low-key, but you’re great.”
“I think you’re gonna stick around. We like you.”
“For a minute, I’d forgotten were were in a singing competition and I was just being entertained.”
“It was a little, um, old for you. But, um, that being said, you’re great.”
“I thought you sounded great. I just wish it was a different song.”
“I love bananas. And sometimes a banana is not quite ripe, and you’re like, ‘Ooh, I wish it were riper, because I’d like to eat that banana right now . . . you just need to ripen.”
OK, so that last one was reminiscent of the kind of babbling incoherence we used to expect from Paula, but still . . . not funny, not helpful. There’s not a single comment there that: A) offers any kind of meaningful critique of the performance; B) would be of any help whatsoever to a contestant in terms of shaping his or her future performances; or C) demonstrating that Ellen has any idea of what she’s talking about.

Enough on the substance of her judging, but how about her general demeanour? In a word: boring. Not fun, not funny, not interesting. If Paula was a double-scoop of tutti-frutti covered in sprinkles, Ellen is a scoop of plain vanilla — you know, the real cheap, generic kind that comes in a giant tub. That’s Ellen.

Look, this is only the first week of live shows. It’s not outside the realm of possibility that she could improve. But I gotta say, if somebody were paying me millions of dollars to sit on that dopey show and offer an opinion, I think I’d at least try to have one.