America's Next Top Model: Chiquita Bananas

So, it turns out that the supermodel-inflicted damage to the Glaminator was worse than we thought. For the past few weeks, every time we try to show it a new episode to get its verdict (I can’t write these things alone, you know!), it just kind of shudders and wheezes and then spits out the lyrics to “Shake Ya Body.” However, we’ve managed to jump-start it with hair dryers and tooth-whitening solution for just long enough to get a semi-coherent opinion on last week’s episode. We’ll try to catch up on the backlog once the old girl’s running smoothly again. In the meantime, enjoy!

Well, the end is in sight, folks—only half a dozen charmless, vapid, no-chance-in-hell-of-having-an-actual-modelling-career contestants remain! And, I have to say, thank god that fatty London was sent packing last week, because everyone knows that women should not be allowed on television unless they are smaller than size 2 or bigger than size 22. We don’t want to encourage unhealthy behaviour by rewarding a girl who appears to enjoy consuming food every once in a while (unless, of course, she is a sassy secondary character used for comic relief on a sitcom). So, our six healthfully skeletal contenders for the exalted title of America’s Twelfth Next Top Model are: “Grandma” Celia, “Krazee Eyez” Allison, Fo “Noodle House,” “Princess” Natalie, Aminat “The ‘T’ is Silent” and Teyona “The Only One I Still Sort of Like.” The girls are now in Brazil, home to such celebrated models as Gisele Bündchen, and that one who died from anorexia.

The models’ first challenge this week is based on Brazil’s greatest gift to elevator music, “The Girl from Ipanema.” They are divided into pairs according to hair colour, and given the assignment of finding the Girl from Ipanema’s favourite flower and then delivering it to her. Team Brunette (Fo and Natalie) takes the lead and makes it to the flower shop first, while Team Blonde (Celia and Allison), after failing to convince their cab driver to be a little more Bullitt and a little less Driving Miss Daisy, comes in a distant third. Eventually, they all collect their birds of paradise and head to the botanical gardens. And there she is, the Girl from Ipanema herself, aka Helo Pinheiro, and she’s… well, at least she’s still tall and tan. And when she walks, she could perhaps be said to resemble a samba. The Girl presents the models with the key to their new home, and they give her their flowers. Later at home, Natalie continues to irritate the hell out of everyone by acting like an entitled snob and being unimpressed with everything in sight: the view, the lack of a pool, Brazil in general. Oh, shut it, princess.

Our next challenge involves the ancient Brazilian martial art of capoeira. So, in the space of about ten minutes, we’ve covered two Brazilian clichés—bossa nova and capoeira—and I suddenly become very afraid that the next segment is going to involve bikini waxes. The models watch some very skilled capoeirists (I have no idea if that’s a word) cartwheeling and kicking and spinning and whatnot, and then they get to try it for themselves. The challenge winner not only gets extra frames in this week’s photo shoot, but also gets to take AWAY frames from the girl of her choice. Ooh, what evil reality-tv genius devised this idea? This is probably a good time to point out that Fo is still steaming over Teyona’s stunningly mature and fair decision last week to share her challenge prize with the girl who helped her win (Celia) rather than with her friend (Fo). Being a grownup really gets you nowhere on this show.

So the girls start capoeira-ing for the camera, in the process of which Celia “accidentally” kicks Aminat in the face. You will remember that these two had a little exchange of words a few weeks ago, and so Celia doesn’t seem particularly remorseful. Natalie is pose-y and trying too hard to look hot, which of course makes her look really stupid. Fo does the best and wins the challenge, and takes the extra frames away from Teyona. Teyona’s quite cool about it, but later she does question Fo, who reveals that she was seeking retribution for being “screwed over” by Teyona last week. Fo kind of sucks, doesn’t she? Teyona says she’s honoured because it shows that Fo considers her tough competition, and she also says that Fo will need the extra frames. Harsh, but probably true.

Which leads us into the photo shoot. This week, the girls will be posing as high-fashion Carmen Mirandas, with fruit and flowers and such on their heads. None of these whippersnappers have a clue who Carmen Miranda is, and they have to be schooled by Mr. Jay and the ever-awesome Sutan. Continuing in this show’s unfortunate tradition of using actual poor people for background colour, the photo shoot will be taking place in a real-live Brazilian favela. If it isn’t the height of taste and sensitivity to walk into a slum full of poor people who presumably don’t have that much to eat wearing fruit on your head! So, Celia is up first, and does fine, but not great. Allison makes strained sexy faces. Natalie is freaked out by the poor people because they don’t have them where she lives. Ugh, she’s awful. She does look gorgeous, though. Aminat’s lousy. Teyona is great, even with only 25 frames, and Fo is not so great, even with her extra frames. Jay calls her “Carmen Miranda on crack as a drag queen.” Nice to see our old friend karma back at work.

Now it is the time for panel, and tonight’s guest judge is Fernanda Motta, host of “Brazil’s Next Top Model.” We’re reminded that Tyra has managed to spread this ridiculous show to an unbelievable 120 countries. She’s unstoppable, that woman. Sort of like swine flu. The judges view Aminat’s photo first. Aminat’s had a bit of sun, so her skin is all dark and glowing, and in person, she looks gorgeously stunning. Her photo, however, is yet again lacklustre. Natalie’s photo is sultry, but the judges find it boring, and totally lacking in the fun, fruit-on-the-head spirit of Carmen Miranda. Natalie somehow manages to blame this all on Mr. Jay, and you can guess how much that impresses the judges. In fairness, though, Mr. Jay was praising Natalie during her photo shoot. Maybe he was trying to sabotage her because he hates her as much as everyone else. Celia’s photo is unexciting. Plus, she’s old. I totally want her dress, though. Everyone likes Allison’s photo and thinks she’s finally shown them something different. Fo’s interpretation of Carmen Miranda is cute but too literal, while Teyona gave it an editorial edge.

Our little sugar glider Allison gets this week’s top photo, followed by Teyona, Fo and Celia, leaving Aminat and Natalie as the bottom two. And if you want visual proof of Tyra’s philosophy that there’s no correlation between prettiness and modelling ability, just take a look at the two girls at the bottom here, and the four on top. Yikes! So, who will go home this week? Aminat, the beautiful girl with the boring pictures? Or Natalie, the beautiful girl with the boring pictures who’s also a rich, spoiled pain in the ass? Oh come on—you’ve seen this show before, right? It’s hard to argue that Aminat’s a better model than Natalie, but in Tyra-land, ungrateful jerks do not prosper. So Natalie is sent packing with only her long legs, enormous boobs, extravagant wealth and sense of entitlement to see her through. Good luck, princess! Maybe your daddy will buy you a modelling contract.

Up tonight: go-sees, and bikinis! Let’s hope the Glaminator won't explode from all the excitement.