America's Next Top Model: Little Children

Note: This is part 2 of the first episode. To read part 1, go here.

From the extra-wide buffet aisles of Las Vegas, we travel to the fashion-forward sidewalks of New York City, where our aspiring models are pounding the pavement, their hopeful faces innocent of the weeks of humiliation that await them. London is dressed like a mentally ill hooker, or maybe just like a hipster girl. (By the way, Mentally Ill Hooker Or Hipster Girl? is a fun game to play while people-watching.) I’m really starting to wonder about London’s success in her career as a street preacher. I mean, would you accept spiritual guidance from a person wearing ratty patterned leggings?

As the models make their way to the Empire State Building, a couple of them express amazement at being in such a big ole city, because they’re just ordinary small-town girls from… oh my god, I’m too bored to even finish that sentence. Sandra is the notable exception to this. Sandra, in case you hadn’t noticed, has a rather high opinion of herself, and thinks that no one else in the competition stands a chance against her. Hasn’t she ever seen this show before? Because the girls who talk that way always go home by about the fifth episode.

Guess who’s waiting at the top of the Empire State Building for the girls to arrive? No, not Cary Grant. It’s Sexy Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker and Sexy Noted Aging (But Still Hot) Supermodel Paulina Porizkova. Hooray! I wish these two would get as much camera time as the insufferable J/ays. The Sexy Noted ones hand Celia the keys to their new apartment, for no other reason than that she appears to be the least likely one to lose them on the way home. She’s also awarded the privilege of choosing the first bed.

The models arrive at the apartment, and it’s black and white and Tyra all over. Celia chooses a nice secluded bed, which is then promptly re-chosen by Sandra. Uh-oh. It appears that there are 13 models, but only 12 beds! Oh, ANTM, this kind of manufactured attempt at causing conflict and/or spontaneous lesbianism is beneath you. Don’t you trust these self-absorbed camera whores to come up with things to fight about on their own? There’s a bit of a tiff between Celia (who politely but firmly refuses to share her bed) and Sandra (who’s insane), but then London solves the problem by following the example of Jesus and turning the other cheek, onto the floor. I am shocked at this remarkably peaceful and sensible resolution.

Meanwhile, Isabella is unpacking Liza Minnelli–worthy quantities of pills from her bag. She explains that she has epilepsy, and could have a seizure at any moment, which might partly explain why they picked her for the show. Epilepsy, though? I’ve seen a lot of obscure attention-getting Top Model ailments in my time, and epilepsy, you are no retinitis pigmentosa.

This week, for their very first challenge, the girls will be walking in a real, live runway show. And not even in a Wal-Mart parking lot or a high school gym, either! The theme of the show is “good girl/bad girl.” Highlights on the runway include Aminat, looking incredible in a black-and-white dress, and Celia, in eighties-style yellow. Poor burn survivor Tahlia, meanwhile, has been covered up like a nun. Well, a nun in a menswear-inspired pantsuit, but still. Let the girl flaunt her scars! As for Isabella, she worries that the strobe lights on the runway will induce a seizure. Hey, if you get a seizure on the runway, girl, you gotta work it! You gotta make that epileptic fit fierce! Allison struggles a bit, but the real disaster is Sandra, who walks about a third of the way down the runway, does a weird little pose and kick, and then turns around and leaves! Like a true sociopath, though, she thinks she was great. I get the feeling Sandra’s the kind of girl who could make a career out of being on reality shows.

Back at the house later, Isabella tells Jessica that she freaked out when she saw the strobe lights at the fashion show. She explains that there are always things that people have to overcome in life, like having epilepsy or looking exactly like the female lead from a bad ‘80s sitcom about a quirky airline in Nantucket. Meanwhile, Tahlia cries about being discriminated against because she wasn’t permitted to flash her assets on the runway. Also, in the bedroom, Sandra nastily tells some girls who are chatting to shut up while she’s trying to sleep. They slink away, giggling, and then gossip about her in the living room, which was probably her intention all along.

The next day, our models are off to Central Park for their photo shoot. Jay Manuel rides up on a bike looking like a gay Transformer in a red-and-black mesh/spandex/molded-plastic monstrosity. He explains that for this shoot, the models will be dressed as little girls and enacting favourite childhood games, like ring around the rosy, hopscotch and sexting (well, that’s what I hear the kids are into nowadays). There are three “bad girl” extras in the background portraying a ghetto girl, a “rebel” (i.e., Avril Lavigne–style pseudo-punk), and a pregnant teenager drinking out of a paper bag. This show better be careful not to offend its core demographics. All this business is to make some Tyra’s Learning Moment point about how girls grow up too quickly these days and need to get off her lawn, or something. This shoot is… well, it’s great if you’re into grown women dressing up like little girls. They could probably use these photos like methadone for pedophiles.

“Fo” is up first (and I refuse to remove the quotation marks from her “name,” because since when is “Fo” an acceptable nickname for “Felicia”? Maybe I should start calling myself “Po.”). She’s a natural because she’s a hippie preschool teacher, so she has lots of experience in acting like a fool. Tahlia’s kind of insecure; Natalie, whom I keep forgetting even exists, gets totally shown up by the pregnant extra in the background; Sandra, playing hide-and-seek, keeps stiffly smiling her weird, creepy smile; and Aminat looks like a six-foot five-year-old. Saucer-eyed Allison is the perfect fit for a photo shoot about creepy girl-women. Isabella, in a Pebbles-inspired hairstyle, gets to play dodgeball, which is about as cruel a sport as any gym teacher has ever devised. When I was in school, our gym teacher made us play a game called “Queen of the Mat,” which involved half of the girls sitting in the middle of a mat, and the other half on the outside yanking them by the limbs and hair until only one remained in the middle. Fun times!

It’s now time for our first panel—and our first Tyra sighting of the hour, by the way. She looks kind of nice! Demure, even. She tells the models that the issue of Girls Who Grow Up Too Fast, featured in this week’s photo shoot, is very important to her, because it will make a really good tie-in with her talk show. Actually, she says that girls these days are losing their purity and innocence. I remind you that the woman expressing these sentiments once walked down a runway looking like this (warning: probably NSFW, depending on where you W). As for the other judges, Paulina has very big hair, and Miss J. has a bow tie and a stupid bowl cut like Moe from the Three Stooges.

Sandra, wearing one of those Palestinian terrorist scarves, is judged first. The panel did not like her aborted runway performance, nor do they like her photo. Aminat has knock knees in her shot. London is wearing an Edith Prickly–style leopard-print jacket. Her photo’s pretty good, but the judges worry that her “proportions are off,” i.e., she has person-sized hips. Jessica and Nijah coast on gorgeousness, which is not enough, although it’s almost certainly enough for this episode. Isabella’s dodgeball photo strikes out. Can you strike out in dodgeball? I don’t know. That was a lousy metaphor. The favourites are Wind-in-the-Face Teyona, “Fo,” hula-hoop Celia, and Allison—whose unsettling face, as I sort of expected, translates really well on camera.

Allison ends up with this week’s top photo, followed by “Fo” and Teyona, and it’s Isabella and Sandra in the bottom two. Who will go home? Will it be the nice girl with epilepsy who probably won’t even manage to have a seizure on camera, or will it be the insane, bitch-tastic conflict magnet? Oh, come on—you’ve seen this show before, right? Yeah, Isabella is eliminated. As she sadly packs up all her medications, she reassures us that although she didn’t book this job, she still has a bright future in modelling ahead. “Goodbye for now,” she says, “you’ll be seeing me around.” Ah, the cry of the failed fame whore!

Coming soon: makeovers!

Photo courtesy zap2it.com