ANTM: It's A Pose

Hello, fierce readers. I know, it’s been forever! Thank you for your patience; the Glaminator has been out of commission for a while after a sudden and unfortunate encounter with a certain well-known former supermodel. I’m not naming names. But it starts with an “N.” And ends with an “aomi Campbell.” Anyway, it was a close call, but after having her energy restored by some nourishing cotton balls soaked in olive oil, the Glaminator has slowly sputtered back to life, and is currently churning out her verdict on last week’s episode. In the meantime, why not relive this classic episode from two weeks ago?

The doorbell is abuzzing at the House of Ebony and Ivory. Who could it be? Hey, it’s Toccara from Cycle 3! Toccara has invited herself over for a slumber party, because she has lots of personality (in case you haven’t seen this show, or any TV show, before, big girl = personality!), and Tyra wants her to encourage this new batch of charm vacuums to start being INTERESTING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. Actually, doesn’t it seem like there’s a lot less of Toccara than there used to be? Either way, she looks great, although I didn’t remember her being quite this annoying. Still, it’s hard to hate a girl who kept fried chicken under her bed in a house full of size zeros. Anyway, Toccara asks the girls to describe their personalities. Aminat says her personality is “loud.” I’m not sure that a volume is technically a personality, but whatever. Kortnie has the personality of Don Rickles, the body of Carmen Electra and the name of a stripper with dyslexic parents. I paraphrase. It seems like Kortnie’s sense of humour, such as it is, is kind of lost on the other girls. Sandra’s personality is “sociopath,” of course, and so on. Toccara interviews that they’re all a bunch of Blandy Blandersons, and she leaves. Operation Make These Girls Less Boring, unsuccessful!

The next day, the girls are treated to a lesson with Benny Ninja, posing guru and extremely gay person, even on a show so gay that sometimes you stop noticing all the gayness. I think Benny is out-gayed on this show only by the Aswirl Twins. He’s joined by a “dj/model” (ew) named “Sky,” who “drops some tracks” for the girls to pose to. They must have taught her that lingo in dj school. The girls vogue self-consciously, and Benny is unimpressed.

Now for the challenge, and—okay, this just might be my favourite challenge of all time. The models go to a nightclub, where Benny is once again present, this time dressed like a gay Boy Scout. They’re going to be wearing fashions by a pair of designers called The Blondes, a very blond man and woman who—oh god, that’s not a woman! Wow. Okay. So the girls get all whoored up in blond wigs, sparkly outfits and drag-worthy makeup, and they’re going to pose off, in pairs, in front of a roomful of vociferous drag queens. Awesome! So, Sky kicks out the jams and the girls start to pose. And man, the drag queens are a tough crowd. Most of the girls are roundly booed. Tahlia is booed. Allison is booed. Sandra is booed, although because it’s Sandra, she probably just thinks they’re saying “Boo-urns.” I wish the booing drag queens could be there for every challenge! In fact, I would love a coterie of booing drag queens to take around everywhere I go, and then I could turn them on things that annoy me, like people who ride their bicycles on the sidewalk, or Katy Perry. But enough of my fantasies. Back to the challenge! Celia poses up and down and all over the place, and the drag queens love her. Celia kicks ass. Natalie is a big hit, too. At the end, Celia and Natalie face off; Natalie gets off balance and Celia wins easily.

Later on, there’s more boring boringness about Tahlia’s ongoing self-confidence problems. Who cares? She’s not even amusingly neurotic like Marjorie last season. Tahlia tells Allison that she’s ready to go home. I tell you this not because it’s interesting, but because it’s important for later on. Honest.

This week’s photo shoot is on Ellis Island, and the theme is “migration.” On the ferry, Mr. Jay tells the girls that they’ll be re-enacting the plight of immigrants who came to America. This shoot is like Lou Dobbs’ nightmare! The models get all dressed up in old-timey clothes and pose surrounded by a bunch of little urchins and Benny Ninja, playing their husband. Does that make them Mrs. Ninjas? The standouts at the shoot are London, Teyona and, surprise! Tahlia, who’s unexpectedly great. Oh, groan. That means we’ll get at least another week of her dull whining.

At home later on, Celia and some other busybodies gossip about how Tahlia doesn’t want to be there and how they should speak up if another girl goes home, because it will be unfair. I sort of want Tahlia to go home, too, because nothing is more annoying than other people’s self-esteem issues, but I think these girls should mind their own damn biznesses. Anyway, remember this part too, because it’s important for later on. Really. I’ll be testing you.

Next, it’s panel, with Tyra in an overly twee bow-print bow blouse. I do appreciate that she’s trying to be more demure lately, but come on. Benny, really earning his paycheque this week, is the guest judge. And the results! Sandra is typically clueless and typically has no idea that she’s anything less than fabulous. Teyona’s photo is very good. Allison and Aminat are good too. Natalie looks like Keira Knightley, prompting a sudden, terrible English accent from Tyra. Oh my god, I just realized: Tyra is the Michael Scott of models! The judges love Tahlia’s flamenco-dancer shot, although Nigel doesn’t like her early-Elaine Benes wall of hair. They hate Kortnie’s photo, but Nigel defends her. He always defends the girls he wants to sleep with.

Okay, now here comes the drama. The best picture of the week goes to Tahlia, and the camera flashes on Celia’s irritated face. Teyona and Allison are called next, and Kortnie and Sandra end up as the bottom two. While the names are being called, the camera keeps going back to Celia and you can tell she wants to say something.

Then Tyra announces Sandra’s name, which means Kortnie is out. Hilarious dramatic soap-opera close-up of Celia’s furious face. And then Celia steps forward! The entire viewing audience at home screams, “Nooooo!” She starts talking nervously and you can tell that right away she realizes it’s a bad idea. Oh no, this is awful. Celia tells Tyra that she thought she should know that Tahlia expressed a desire to go home. Oh, this is so bad. Tyra quite rightly tells her to shut her fool mouth and get back in her place and stop trying to sabotage other girls, especially ones who aren’t really very good models despite a few fluke photos and will no doubt be going home sooner or later anyway. I paraphrase. So Celia slinks back. Oh my god, that was painful! And we thought Celia was the smart, mature one. Oh well—next week in the house should be fun, shouldn’t it? Meanwhile, all this ridiculous drama has totally overshadowed the departure of poor Kortnie, who, frankly, should count her blessings to be getting out of this hornet’s nest.

Next time: Fights, fights fights!

Photo courtesy zap2it.com