Gossip Girl: In the Realm of the Basses

Welcome back, readers, and happy 2009! It’s time to power up the old Glaminator again, and, with Tyra and the J/ays on hiatus, turn our attentions to that other CW celebration of underfed young women and their occasional fashion disasters, Gossip Girl!

When we last saw our privileged Upper East Siders: Bart Bass died in a fiery car crash (well, I imagine it was fiery; we didn’t actually see it), and everyone pretended to be a bit sad for about five minutes before moving on with their busy social schedules. Serena and Dan were skirting around getting back together, but then Serena found out her mom was still totes in love with Humphrey père, and so, in a rare moment of consideration for their parents, they decided to cool it, and instead Serena jetted off to Buenos Aires with her ferrety not-yet-lover, Aaron Rose. Young Charles Bass, distraught over his father’s passing, stormed around like a drunken Heathcliff, rejecting the tender ministrations—and long-awaited declaration of love!—of the fair Miss Waldorf. Meanwhile, the Widow Bass, aka Lily, was all packed and ready to run off with Rufus until he discovered her Big Secret, which was that many years ago, she gave birth to his child whilst sequestered in an institution, and gave up said love child—for it was never meant to be!—for adoption. That child then grew up, moved to New York, started a blog, and became known to all as—Gossip Girl! How I wish. To recap, for those keeping count at home, we ended the year with no fewer than three separate pairs of star-cross’d lovers. Whee!

But, readers, it is a new year, and a chance for our characters to turn over a new leaf! Which means: Rufus doing some ham-fisted overparenting, Blair scheming to advance her social standing, Chuck consuming illegal substances and consorting with random whores, and Serena and Dan boring me to death! So, business as usual.

First up, Serena has returned from dancing the tango with old men in Buenos Aires (don’t worry, that’s not a euphemism, at least as far as we know). What’s more, she has come back solo, having mercifully broken up with Aaron Rose and left him on the Island of Abandoned Secondary Characters. Josh Schwartz must have finally gotten around to reading the fan mail. Now that their parents have abruptly ended their perpetually stalled romance, and Serena has gotten over her Noxious Hipster Artist phase, Dan and Serena are free to rekindle their utterly uninteresting relationship, and nothing will ever come between them ever again! Well, not for about eight minutes, anyway, until Rufus catches them together and tells Dan to put an end to it, but won’t explain why. More on that later.

Meanwhile, Blair is trying to impress some old rich hags so she can get into a super-exclusive ladies’ club, and also trying to forget about that whole saying “I love you” to Chuck thing. Speaking of young Mr. Bass, he’s off in Bangkok numbing his pain with opium and prostitutes until his uncle Jack drags him home, distracting Blair from her social climbing. She even springs to his rescue when the headmistress catches him smoking marijuana at school, but still he is intent on self-destruction. Later, Blair tracks Chuck down at the re-purchased Victrola and finds him with a couple of randoms all over him. May I just comment upon the casualness with which Chuck is portrayed having basically a public threesome, and note that, were one of the female characters depicted in a similar situation, it would no doubt be the subject of scandal and judgement for WEEKS. Just saying. Now, I long ago grew aweary of this whole Blair and Chuck’s Tortured Love that Cannot Be storyline, but at least it provides the opportunity for some nice acting from the divine Leighton Meester. There’s a great moment where, having failed to save Chuck, she breaks down in front of her mirror, then quickly composes herself as the snooty ladies arrive. Naturally, the ladies (who, in an amusing touch, are all wearing headbands) disapprove of Blair’s friends. While she’s totally willing to throw Serena under a train, she takes exception to their censuring of her beloved, and goes running out after him. There is a melodramatic climax involving Chuck, lots of alcohol, and a rooftop ledge, which, needless to say, he’s persuaded off of by the love of a good… well, of a woman. Also, there’s some stuff with Uncle Jack and a big secret thing that happened with Blair on New Year’s Eve. Thank god they’ve already used the illegitimate baby storyline.

As for la petite Jennifer, previously seen trying to divorce her parents, dancing in her bra to appalling Smiths covers, tricking her romantic rival into wearing a see-through dress, and wearing unholy amounts of eyeliner, well, it seems that her resolution for 2009 is to be a Good Person with Morals and Stuff. She’s back at school (though wearing a pink tutu under her uniform to signify her edgy fashion-ness, which I guess would be edgy if she were Betsey Johnson circa 1980), and sticking up for Nelly Yuki, who’s going through some strange hazing at the hands of those three annoying Blairites with baffling social influence whose names I can’t be bothered to learn. I think one of them is called “Hazel.” Blah blah blah brown-haired Blairite tries to blacklist Jenny at school, Jenny threatens them back with some knowledge of their scandalous doings (dad’s partner-screwing, drunken cousin-kissing, etc.), and they back off. But it turns out that Nelly Yuki actually wants to be bootlicker to the popular girls, so it was all in vain! Actors of colour, take note: your options for roles on this show include Subservient Asian Nerd, Thai Opium Whore, and Black Girl Who Stands Behind Hazel. Hooray for post-racial America!

And meanwhile, in parent-land, The Ruf is in full-on self-righteous mode after learning that there is another human being somewhere in the world who has been deprived of his waffles and sage fatherly advice. He has been in Boston knocking down the doors of adoption agencies in search of his progeny, with no luck. Um, Ruf? Did it ever occur to you that the kid has a family already, and doesn’t necessarily want to be found? Also, look, Matthew Settle is a good-looking guy, but whatever misguided costume person keeps putting him in those turtleneck sweaters needs to stop, and is he using a low-flow showerhead or something? Rufus gets Lily to reveal that the baby was a boy, shattering my hopes for a guest-starring role (on camera, I mean) from Kristen Bell, unless they pull some kind of Ugly Betty–style sex-change plot on us. Really, Rufus is rather judgemental in this episode, and I find it odd the way this show seems to be treating a young, single mother’s decision to give her baby up for a legal adoption to a presumably decent, grateful family as something shameful. Of course, it’s profoundly implausible that Lily’s parents wouldn’t have shipped their unwed pregnant daughter off to a doctor to have that problem “taken care of” like good Upper East Side WASPS, but I suppose that 36 freaking years after Roe v. Wade it’s too much to expect television to offer a realistic portrayal of women’s reproductive choices. Ahem.

Back to Humphrey fils, budding investigative journalist, who has been doing some poking around into his father’s affairs, and finally learns the truth from Chuck about his and Serena’s mutual relative. He spends the rest of the episode looking moderately squicked out at the idea that somewhere, there is a person walking around who shares DNA with both him and his girlfriend. Oh, come on; what would become of soap operas if you couldn’t sleep with the daughter of your illegitimate half-sibling’s mother? Anyway, Dan refrains from telling Serena, for now, while Lily decides to join Rufus in his boneheaded quest, and they head for Boston, off to barge their way into some unfortunate young person’s life.

Well, that’s it for this week, and watch for the next entry, coming soon! Until then, XOX—oh, you know.

Photo courtesy zap2it.com