American Idol 9: The Drinking Game – Now Available in Sugar-Free

Things will finally get started this coming Tuesday when the Top 12 girls perform for America's votes. But let's get real for just a second here, how are we going to get through this season now that there are no drunk judges to talk about? Well, the answer is clear. Before we hit the first episode of the Top Two-Four, I think it's only fitting to pay tribute to the long-departed Paula Abdul by instituting the regulations for the launch of Season Nine's American Idol Drinking Game (you didn't actually believe there was only straight Coke in that glass, did you?).

Firstly, let me just lay down a disclaimer to cover my butt. I do not encourage irresponsible drinking of alcoholic beverages while operating heavy machinery (i.e. your remote control), you must be 19 years of age or older (21 for my American readers, all two of you), and please don't blame me if you have a killer headache in the morning just because the judges are so predictable (it's not my fault, take a couple of Advil and get yourself some sunglasses).

The rules are simple. Whenever one of the judges performs one of the following tasks, you take a drink. There are no winners or losers in this game, and sure, it's not half as fun as playing quarters with Skid Row in the Pigalle Lounge on the MSC Poesia (you had to be there!), but it will definitely make the endless array of Mariah Carey imitators seem more palatable.

Okay, let's get started:

– Simon makes a reference to how a performance would be more fitting for a cabaret or cruise ship: take one sip.

– Randy talks about his (five-minute) stint in Journey: take one sip.

– Kara gets googly-eyed over Casey James or Tyler Grady: take one sip.

– Randy or Kara mistakingly refer to Alex Lambert as "Adam": take one sip. If it's Simon: take two sips (remember "Little" Rounds?).

– Randy says he thinks a performance was "just aight": take one sip.

– Simon says "everyfink" (it's the Queen's English, don'tcha know?) instead of "everything": take one sip.

– Kara steals Paula's favourite phrase "you made it your own": take one sip.

– Randy calls somebody "dawg": DON'T drink because you will NOT make it through the first two minutes of the program.

– Kara calls somebody "sweetie": see rule above.

– Simon rolls his eyes over one of Kara's ridiculous observations: take one sip.

– Kara pretends to get all offended by Simon's accurate assessment of a contestant: take one sip.

– Randy regales the contestants with fish stories about working with any member of the Unholy Trinity (Celine/Mariah/Whitney): take three sips.

– Kara or Randy claim that a contestant can "sing the phone book": take a huge gulp and proceed to tear apart your local phone directory page by page.

– Randy says a performance was "pitchy": take one sip.

– Kara talks about "artistry": take one sip.

– Randy compares any of the female African-American singers to Mary J. Blige: take one sip.

– Randy inexplicably compares any of the male singers to Alice in Chains or Nine Inch Nails after one of them has performed a sleepy number by Jason Mraz or John Mayer: drink the entire bottle or case of whatever you have, delete the AIC and NIN catalogues from your iPod, and call it a night.

You'll notice I haven't mentioned Ellen DeGeneres at all. That's because she's new and we haven't become acquainted with any of her predictable annoyabilities (is that a word?) when it comes to this particular program. As much as I love Ellen, I'm sure we'll get a handle on her quirks pretty quickly. So yes, it's possible that we'll be creating an addendum to the above rules at some point this season.

Bottoms up, let's go!

CANUCKGIRL delivers the thrills and spills of America’s favourite singing competition direct to your monitor. CanuckGirl is NOT a professional journalist, nor does she play one on television.