American Idol 9: Just a 3 Dressed Up as a 9

Welcome back to Homecoming Week on American Idol, where the first nine minutes of Wednesday's elimination show would be wasted on Ryan's unnecessary questioning of the Top 3. "How are you feeling?" "Did you ever think you could win this thing?" "What was it like to go home?" "What's your favourite colour?" I don't know. Is it just me, or was Seacrest just trying to pull his best Barbara Walters impersonation out of his butt. Just get 'em all crying, Ryan, and your job here is complete.

Of course we all know that a Wednesday night episode would not be complete without the requisite pimping of the sponsors. This week's Ford video had something to do with the new Fiesta. Question: why would Ford remake a car that was a piece of crap the first time around? Really! I had a friend who owned a Fiesta back in the '80s, and it made the Yugo look like a BMW. Is America so retro-starved that the car companies are willing to reinvent a vehicle to create a false sense of nostalgia? It's times like this when we all have to pay close attention to Frank Zappa's "Death by Nostalgia" theory. Seriously, it's gonna kill us all.

So the reason we all tuned in – well, there's that whole "elimination" thing – but yeah, the homecoming stuff. We tagged along with Casey James for his arrival at his old high school in Cool, Texas, where he autographed a lady's... umm... dachshund? Jeez Casey, you know I love you, but you need to keep the Sharpie AWAY from my beagle-lab!!!! He also payed a visit to the hospital employing the fine doctors and nurses who saved his life several years ago after a bad accident. There was a whole lot of verklempt going on, and not a dry eye in the house. Wow, they somehow managed to do that without Ryan's help. It really CAN be done!

Taking a break from the home invasion vignettes, we were forced to endure a lip-synced performance by the next blank face in the long line of disposable newbies, Travis Garland. You're saying, "Travis who?" Apparently, this dude was discovered by Perez Hilton, who claims that Travis is "better than Justin Timberlake." Seriously?! Yeah, umm, no.

Next, we traveled to Toledo, Ohio, where Crystal Bowersox autographed a guy's chest for a tattoo – every rock star's dream. No? Kinda better than stamping your name on a dog, don'tcha think? Anyway, she received the key to the city before heading to her dad's house for a family barbeque, and then on to her own "Bowerstock" concert where she was allowed to perform her original song "Holy Toledo." Some more crying and emotional moments having nothing to do with Ryan Seacrest. Unbelievable.

Without taking another pointless break, they allowed us to touch down in Chicago, Illinois, with Lee DeWyze. Luckily, we weren't forced to spend time with the dreaded Blackhawks. Instead, we headed to Wrigley Field to watch Lee throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a Cubs game. After that, we traveled back to the paint store where our boy used to work. Mark that. He said, "used to work." There will be no more hours toiling at the paint shaking machine for THIS guy. He's on his way, and yes, we're all fighting back the tears.

Moving right along, the presentation of the moment every 12-year-old girl in North America was waiting for: the inexplicably popular Justin Bieber showed up to perform, umm, lip-sync two songs and provide us all with a solid reason to take baseball bats to our televisions. He played drums too, sort of. I'm pretty sure Neil Peart isn't shaking in his boots right about now.

So the end of the line then draws near, and the drama of the past hour gets sifted down to the final judgment segment. I'll make it quick and painless. The first person sent to safety would be our dark horse, Lee DeWyze. Joining Lee on the final pair of stools? None other than our golden girl, Crystal Bowersox. So my early season prediction was not meant to be. Casey James would not be crowned the Season 9 champion. That's definitely okay by me. For the first time in a very long time – like say, Season 4 – the Top Two contenders in the game would actually be the two most interesting and the two most talented. This is a good sign. We might actually get a couple of bona fide artists out of this season yet.

On that note, I should let all six of you know that next week's two Finale episodes will be melded into one supersized Wednesday night blog. Again, I do have a life and I have stuff to do on Tuesday. So you'll get one more blog outta me, and then I can retire. Start the countdown now.

CANUCKGIRL delivers the thrills and spills of America’s favourite singing competition direct to your monitor. CanuckGirl is NOT a professional journalist, nor does she play one on television.