American Idol 9: Your Decision

There's a strange sort of irony in that the readers of my blog (all six of you) have been questioning me today as to the whereabouts of my Tuesday night recap. It's kind of funny, really. If anybody had actually read last week's Wednesday recap, they would've noticed that I had said that I would have better stuff to do on Tuesday night, and would provide a super-enormo, all-encompassing blog after Wednesday night's finale. Remember? No? So you're not reading this right now then, are you? How many fingers am I holding up? Focus, people, FOCUS!

So here I am, it's Wednesday night, and I have to muddle through three hours of Idol murk to gather for you all the glitter and glamour. But before I press "PLAY" on the PVR, I want to fill you in on a little somethin'-somethin' that may or may not be worthy of a conspiracy theory (I surely hope my hairdresser and the waitress at the Backstage Grill are reading this!). At the beginning of each season, a day or two after the Top 12 are announced, Brent, our Fearless Editor (TM), receives in the mail from Fox a shining, glossy piece of American Idol card stock featuring 12 empty spaces on the front and a couple of magnetic strips on the back. Included with this glimmering piece of super-magnifica is one small ziplock bag containing 12 individual stickers emblazoned with the name and face of each finalist, along with one clear label sheet with red "X"s to mark the eliminated and a red "STAR" to mark the victor. Every year, he hands the collection over to me, whereupon I apply the stickers to the card alphabetically. It works like an advent calendar, but without the yummy goodness of a daily chocolate treat (don't I wish?). Every Thursday morning, I painstakingly peel away a red "X" and administer it to the "Loser of the Week" – I mean – the poor soul who has been sent home. It resides on the metal cabinet at my workstation (hence the magnetic strips), and people will sometimes visit me just to see who's wearing the red "X" on any given week. It's heartwarming, really. However, I feel the need to mention that something very unsettling has come about this season. The clear label sheet contained 12, count 'em, TWELVE red "X"s. Wha? I've been pondering this notion all season! Does this mean that EVERYBODY gets eliminated and there's NO winner? Yeah, sure, there's that ONE red "STAR" – but still! This is truly the type of thing that keeps me awake at night. Well, that and the fact that Sleep Country sells really crappy mattresses. Anyway, if nobody wins, you'll know why. Either that or Fox just sucks pretty bad at math, not unlike myself.

I guess we should get on with the show then. The contestants would each perform three songs. The first would be their favourite from the season, the second would be a selection by producer Simon Fuller, and the third would be their potential first single. Winning the coin toss last week, Crystal Bowersox made the decision to allow Lee DeWyze to perform first. Lee punched out Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer," which was just aight for me, for you, for me. We witnessed so many great moments from our boy this season, this one was a bit tame. Going back to "Simple Man" or "Treat Her Like a Lady" might've worked. Crystal reprised her take on Janis Joplin's "Me and Bobby McGee." Good enough, although somewhat predictable. Again, I have better recollections of Mama Sox. "Midnight Train to Georgia" perhaps? I dunno. Round One: Crystal, I guess, by a slim margin.

Simon Fuller's choice for Lee would be R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts." I'll give it to him that he didn't try to ape Michael Stipe in any way, which is what people tend to do with this song in competition. It was raspy and cool. But again, what's the deal with the choir? NO MORE CHOIR, Idol people!!!! Let him do this alone, and it'll come off way better. Crystal was granted the gift of Alannah Myles' "Black Velvet." Despite a rushed and bizarre arrangement from Rickey Minor and His Band 'o Hacks, the lady ROCKED it out! Round Two: Solidly Bowersox.

So now we get to the point where we have to endure whatever crap Kara DioGuardi has written for the contestants to release as their first singles. But wait – no? The kids perform songs we actually know, which might sound like a good idea, but actually might not be. Excuse me, somebody chose U2's "Beautiful Day" for Lee? What? This is sabotage!! U2 hasn't written a decent song since 1988. THIS isn't one of them. I'm so sorry, Lee. You did the best with the rubbish they gave you. By very sharp contrast, Crystal absolutely NAILED Patty Griffin's "Up to the Mountain." It was amazing, and almost a little bit unfair. If you weren't moved by that, then you're probably dead. Game, set, match: One Ms. Crystal Bowersox.

Before closing off Tuesday's show, we were left to figure out what the heck England was thinking when they chose Will Young as their first Pop Idol. He sang some sort of bland tribute to the season which nearly put me to sleep. Let's just jump ahead, shall we?

On to the finale. First of all, what's the deal with the preppy American Idol blazers? Did Lee and Crystal buy them out of spite? Did they need to wear them to dine at the Friars' Club? Then there's Randy Jackson sporting one of Don Cherry's shirts. Tonight of all nights, a fashionista's nightmare. Oh wait, now I get it, Orianthi dressed up as Angus Young blasting out Alice Cooper's "School's Out." Man, that girl can SHRED! Unfortunately, the Top 12 and a bunch of creepy children performed along with her. But wait... NO... Alice himself? SWEET!!!!!! I never thought I'd see the day... holy crap!

Next up, Kris Allen. Who? Remember him? He's the sweetie who won last season, although you'd never know it by the way that Adam Lambert has been pimped over the past year. I like Kris. It's just too bad they forgot to turn off Ryan's microphone before the performance started. THIS is live television, everybody!

The finale would not go on without an Altoids mint-infused tribute to Simon Cowell, which I thought would be way funnier. Oh well. Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly then teamed up to swoon their way through their own AM Gold performance of the Bee Gees' "How Deep is Your Love." Yeah, I have to admit it was kinda cool in a weird sort of retro '70s way to see Barry and Robin Gibb in the festivities (R.I.P. Maurice). And of course, no Idol finale would be complete without a quick shot of David Hasselhoff in the audience.

Michael Lynche was invited back to bore us all with his take on the Doobie Brothers' "Taking it to the Streets," and yes, Michael McDonald himself showed up in desperate need of some Fisherman's Friends. Where's Taylor Hicks when you need him?

The curiously unfunny Dane Cook took to the stage to sing his own tribute to Simon. I can't believe this guy draws a paycheque. Then there was the appearance of a bunch of past season losers, including that crazy Tatiani Del Toro chick, and that "I Am Your Brother" guy. Totally pointless.

Okay, so now we have the Top Six girls dressed up all whorish, taking on Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" and "Fighter." Yep, Christina made an appearance (wearing her interpretation of Princess Leia's cinnamon bun hairdo) to sing "You Lost Me" and tap the microphone with her fingertips.

The "Way Funnier Than Dane Cook" Ricky Gervais sent his tribute to Simon via satellite, 'cause he figured he wasn't a close enough friend to travel the half mile to do it live on stage. Nice.

The Top Six Boys blanded their way through Hall & Oates' "I Can't Go For That" and "Maneater." It was pretty horrible. Oh look, what a surprise, Daryl Hall and John Oates themselves!!! Who would've guessed?

Just before Crystal's brilliant delivery of "Ironic" and the somewhat censored "You Oughta Know" with Alanis Morissette, we witnessed a short interview with her dad. Was that Mr. Bill in his pocket? Oh no!!! Anyway, Crystal and Alanis tore it up. Way fun, way cool. Loved it.

The ridiculously beautiful Season 4 champion, Carrie Underwood, showed 'em all how it's done by performing her latest single "Undo It." Loved the rocker chick boots!

So remember how Kelly Clarkson was given a Mustang upon her crowning? Other winners received Escape Hybrids. Cool cars, yes? Well, times are tough 'cause Lee and Crystal got Ford Fiestas. You've GOT to be kidding me, right? Wrong. I guess it's better than what the winners would get on Canadian Idol. I'm pretty sure they would've been happy receiving day passes for the TTC.

Casey James didn't stay away for too long. He came back to slam out Poison's "Every Rose Has its Thorn" (a song he really should've done last week when he had a chance to DO something cool!) with none other than Bret Michaels. He's back on his feet and living life. I'm VERY happy to see Bret looking so healthy. That was a nice surprise.

Lee DeWyze and the band named after his hometown, Chicago, teamed up on an awkward medley featuring "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is," "If You Leave Me Now" and "25 or 6 to 4." I like Chicago (the band, not the hockey team), but I didn't need to see this. Sometimes you have to know when to retire.

And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. No, not the announcement of Season 9's winner. I'm talkin' 'bout General Larry Platt's unbelievable hit "Pants on the Ground." Seriously, this guy is 63 years old and he's ripping it up on the stage doin' dance moves, leg-raises and sit-ups, joined by Idol's own William Hung!!! This is pop culture in its purest form, folks.

What would a Simon Cowell tribute be without the return of everybody's favourite whack-job, Paula Abdul? She actually seemed somewhat coherent, for Paula anyway. It was strange and kind of embarrassing. But after all is said and done, I don't think anybody can say that this show will ever be the same without Mr. Cowell. As a very special send-off, Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia Barrino, Carrie Underwood, Jordin Sparks, Taylor Hicks and Kris Allen (but no David Cook?) stood together to perform "Together We Are One" along with practically every other Idol competitor over the past nine seasons. Very nice. Okay, yeah, that was pretty awesome. Simon actually seemed somewhat emotional about it all. Just let me take a second to wipe a tear away... I'll be okay. Really.

One more group number. This time with a lip-syncing Janet Jackson (what's she wearing a microphone for anyway?). Sorry, not a fan, don't care. Fast-forward for the last time this season.

The season's ultimate duet from Lee and Crystal would be the enormously appropriate "With a Little Help From My Friends" featuring the living legend himself, Joe Cocker. These two need to sing together more often, and the addition of Joe sent chills up my spine. That was RIDICULOUS, it was so good!!!

The final judgment is upon us. After the nationwide vote, Season 9's American Idol is... Lee DeWyze! Somebody get the dude a barf bag and some smelling salts!!!! I have to be sincere when I tell you that, after Tuesday night's set of performances, I honestly thought it would've been Crystal. Even Lee is noticeably in shock. Clearly, he didn't expect this outcome. Like last year, the darkest horse won the race. As I mentioned last week, I'd be happy no matter who won. Unfortunately, we'll have to put up with U2's "Beautiful Day" for eternity while Bono's pockets get further filled with royalties. Leave it to CanuckGirl to spin the bad end of the deal. Anyway, congratulations to Lee and Crystal, both champions in my book. Come Thursday morning, I'll be applying the red "STAR" to Lee's smiling face.

Well, that's all folks. You've just been witness to my last ever American Idol blog entry. I've decided to invoke the Freedom 45 clause in my contract and retire while I still have my sense of humour, such as it is. I've taken up enough of your time. Try not to miss me too much.

CANUCKGIRL has left the building.